1) To Live life to the fullest, regardless of circumstances
2) To have a healthy lifestyle and an ideal body weight
3) To take a worthwhile vacation
4) To gain valuable work experience and a definite career goal
5) To get a car (Yeah, its about time)
6) To get my ideal soulmate - with luck, it is who I am thinking of right now
7) To finally follow a religion that touches my heart
8) To sort out the flaws in my character
9) To learn my martial arts again
10)To learn how to receive gracefully and how to give back
Wish my luck in this endeavour of mine.
And well, thank you 2010 for everything!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
2011 approaches
Yet another year passes by, and I look back at what has happened in my life for the past year. Truth be told, it has been alright. I managed to get into a good medical posting to start my career as a medical officer, and I must say I have learned many new things and acquired a quiet confidence in doing my job. My current posting is tougher, but no less enriching in terms of experience
Of course there are still areas for improvement. There is room for improvement in all aspects of my life, but surely the ones that take my focus are my physical health, and my social life. I resolve to improve my physical well being and make some gains to becoming a healthier person, because this body is mine, and I have a responsibility to take good care of it. I am a person with needs, and it is time I started taking steps to meeting those needs.
The reality is that I am still on a lifelong journey in learning about myself, and the learning will ever end. There have been disappointments definitely, however there have been triumphs as well. All of them have taught me valuable lessons that I will do well to keep in mind.
As for what I can do in 2011, well the answer is: Pretty much anything I set my mind to doing
So bring on the new year!
And thank you to the year 2010.
P.S. Well let's just say that hopefully when this time of year comes again in 2011, I will not be single anymore...
Of course there are still areas for improvement. There is room for improvement in all aspects of my life, but surely the ones that take my focus are my physical health, and my social life. I resolve to improve my physical well being and make some gains to becoming a healthier person, because this body is mine, and I have a responsibility to take good care of it. I am a person with needs, and it is time I started taking steps to meeting those needs.
The reality is that I am still on a lifelong journey in learning about myself, and the learning will ever end. There have been disappointments definitely, however there have been triumphs as well. All of them have taught me valuable lessons that I will do well to keep in mind.
As for what I can do in 2011, well the answer is: Pretty much anything I set my mind to doing
So bring on the new year!
And thank you to the year 2010.
P.S. Well let's just say that hopefully when this time of year comes again in 2011, I will not be single anymore...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Post of Self Acceptance (Part 1) - Darkness
As i am writing this, I accept that I am unsure whether this is the right thing to do, and if I could spend my time better doing something else.
I accept that physically, I am not as fit as I could be. I accept the fact that I am fat, with a paunch, oversized thighs and buttocks. The fact is that I just feel in a state of comfort going to the gym once in a while, and then stopping when I feel too tired or stressed. I accept that though I know that eating wisely is pivotal in me losing weight, I am unwilling to go through that change as I fear I will not be able to handle it.
I accept that I am disorganised and only respond to events when I absolutely have to. I feel comfortable in my current surroundings and see no need to exert myself in unnecessary fashion. even though I do agree that I need to put in extra effort to be a better clinician, and improve my general quality of life.
I accept that in a social sense, I am desperate. Desperate for more friends, desperate for acceptance....and especially desperate for a relationship with someone extremely attractive that I can flaunt to other people. I accept that I am envious when friends of mine get hitched or married, especially people that I have considered to be inferior to me socially in the past. I accept that I fear that I may end up alone with no companion of my own.
In the same breath, I accept that I have addictions and desires that sometimes overpower me. As much as I would want to deny them, they are a part of me, and subconsciously, I do not want them to go.
I accept that I am a pessimist and have low self-esteem.
I accept that someone, somewhere might be reading this and thinking, "What a sad life this person has." Well you may be right. Then again, the definitive word is "may".
I accept that physically, I am not as fit as I could be. I accept the fact that I am fat, with a paunch, oversized thighs and buttocks. The fact is that I just feel in a state of comfort going to the gym once in a while, and then stopping when I feel too tired or stressed. I accept that though I know that eating wisely is pivotal in me losing weight, I am unwilling to go through that change as I fear I will not be able to handle it.
I accept that I am disorganised and only respond to events when I absolutely have to. I feel comfortable in my current surroundings and see no need to exert myself in unnecessary fashion. even though I do agree that I need to put in extra effort to be a better clinician, and improve my general quality of life.
I accept that in a social sense, I am desperate. Desperate for more friends, desperate for acceptance....and especially desperate for a relationship with someone extremely attractive that I can flaunt to other people. I accept that I am envious when friends of mine get hitched or married, especially people that I have considered to be inferior to me socially in the past. I accept that I fear that I may end up alone with no companion of my own.
In the same breath, I accept that I have addictions and desires that sometimes overpower me. As much as I would want to deny them, they are a part of me, and subconsciously, I do not want them to go.
I accept that I am a pessimist and have low self-esteem.
I accept that someone, somewhere might be reading this and thinking, "What a sad life this person has." Well you may be right. Then again, the definitive word is "may".
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Lean and Mean
I did my IPPT again during my current Reservist. Yet again, I failed. There was slight imptovement in several stations, however overall the end result was the same again. For 2 years I have attempted this test and failed, and ended up going for RT, which in my mind was a waste of time (Sure there was physical exercise, however it was never enough)
I have had enough of this. I have had too many things clogging up my life, too many things that take up my time and hinder my progress. At my age, things should be streamlined and clear cut.
Hence, I have resolved to do a few things.
I will pass my IPPT before my birthday this time. In doing so I will change my lifestyle, my eating habits and my exercise regime. For too long I have been carrying this extra weight around which is detrimental to my health in the long term. Also I don't want to go for RT again next year.
Most importantly, I want to feel good and fit. I don't want to stay below my true physical potential, which I know far exceeds the current state I am in.
Also, I want to be clear about the direction I want for my social life.
Definitely I don't want to stay single forever. I want to know what it feels to be in a commited relationship. I know that I have the qualities required, and I just need to take the opportunity when it comes.
Finally, I want to know the direction of my career. I know it will be a medical discpline, though right now I am deliberating between Gastroenterology and Infectious Disease. Either way, I will need to get into the Internal Medicine Program to have a chance
Also, I want to involve myself in a sport that I will enjoy and commit myself. Muay Thai comes to mind.
There are other things I wish to accomplish, however I will start small first. If I can achieve these pre-existing goals I have set up, I will have moved up an important rung in the ladder of life.
I have had enough of this. I have had too many things clogging up my life, too many things that take up my time and hinder my progress. At my age, things should be streamlined and clear cut.
Hence, I have resolved to do a few things.
I will pass my IPPT before my birthday this time. In doing so I will change my lifestyle, my eating habits and my exercise regime. For too long I have been carrying this extra weight around which is detrimental to my health in the long term. Also I don't want to go for RT again next year.
Most importantly, I want to feel good and fit. I don't want to stay below my true physical potential, which I know far exceeds the current state I am in.
Also, I want to be clear about the direction I want for my social life.
Definitely I don't want to stay single forever. I want to know what it feels to be in a commited relationship. I know that I have the qualities required, and I just need to take the opportunity when it comes.
Finally, I want to know the direction of my career. I know it will be a medical discpline, though right now I am deliberating between Gastroenterology and Infectious Disease. Either way, I will need to get into the Internal Medicine Program to have a chance
Also, I want to involve myself in a sport that I will enjoy and commit myself. Muay Thai comes to mind.
There are other things I wish to accomplish, however I will start small first. If I can achieve these pre-existing goals I have set up, I will have moved up an important rung in the ladder of life.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Looking back
Today I sit down and recount one of the many people I have met in my life. I guess at this point it is a futile exercise, given that we are probably not going to be at speaking terms after this point, but nevertheless I will recount.
I met her about 3 years ago, when I was still going to church full of optimism. She caught my eye as one who was bubbly and had very bright eyes. Her eyes shone brightly, even through the glasses she was wearing. I felt her energy there and then and thought there was a possibility of a connection. Over time, as we communicated via the cell group, I found myself more and more drawn to her.
Even after the split, I kept in contact. A part of me thought that this was a fool's errand, however another actually believed that something between us was possible. We met, and thought we shared things in common. Even as I prepared for my exams, we would meet up, and I thought I knew more about her. Or so I thought.
The months passed, and I graduated and began my work career. I never saw her again after that, and I would always try to create an opportunity, only to meet denial time and again. I should have seen the warning signs then, the fact that nothing was going to come out of it, but I persisted anyway. I looked for other avenues to distract myself, and was met with limited success. Probably that should have been the end of my chase, but it wasn't.
Then she left for her overseas attachment. We communicated online and I thought that we were connecting, at the very least as friends. She shared things about herself and I listened. We had friendly banter and good exchanges. However for some reason or another it felt that I was the one looking for attention, the one chasing a lost cause. And so it proved.
And then she returned. This was supposed to be my chance, my opportunity to advance things further. Even though the warning signs were clear for me to see, I still retained hope. Until that day.
That day my dark side appeared. A side which I had kept repressed for long periods, that I had kept dormant and hiding, reared its ugly head. It lashed out at anyone who dared to question its existence, who tried to marginalise its position. And on that day, that someone was her.
And so that illusion of me ever getting together with her was smashed for good. It was smashed into many tiny pieces at last. It hurt a lot. It felt like the old times many years ago. However it brought me clarity.
That clarity was that we were probably not meant to be. We are from vastly different backgrounds in more ways than one. She was from the world where things were morally the way they were supposed to be, and justice was present. I, on the other hand, exist in the realm where the rules are meant to be bent, and nice guys tend to finish last. She could never really understand me, and likewise, I could never possibly understand her, and I was a fool for even bothering to try.
In that aspect, I need to work on myself. It is a long journey, and one that is best without her. She will probably go on to have a fruitful journey under the watchful eye of the Lord, and be a blessing to many people. For myself, I will just be content with settling with my lot and dealing with my inner demons and fears one by one. Whatever it is, I doubt our paths will ever cross again, and I doubt that even if they did, I would be able to have the same kind of connection I had before.
So ends the story. Who knows, she might even read it by mistake, however for what it is, it has brought me the closure I need.
So I would say this:
Thanks for knowing you, and thank you for the time we shared as acquaintances, no matter how brief.
I would have thought that we had something special, however it wasn't to be.
Whatever it is, that road has ended and now I can move on.
If I have lashed out on you, the fault is mine and I now apologise.
However things have changed since that day indeed, and whatever we had is now gone for good.
I met her about 3 years ago, when I was still going to church full of optimism. She caught my eye as one who was bubbly and had very bright eyes. Her eyes shone brightly, even through the glasses she was wearing. I felt her energy there and then and thought there was a possibility of a connection. Over time, as we communicated via the cell group, I found myself more and more drawn to her.
Even after the split, I kept in contact. A part of me thought that this was a fool's errand, however another actually believed that something between us was possible. We met, and thought we shared things in common. Even as I prepared for my exams, we would meet up, and I thought I knew more about her. Or so I thought.
The months passed, and I graduated and began my work career. I never saw her again after that, and I would always try to create an opportunity, only to meet denial time and again. I should have seen the warning signs then, the fact that nothing was going to come out of it, but I persisted anyway. I looked for other avenues to distract myself, and was met with limited success. Probably that should have been the end of my chase, but it wasn't.
Then she left for her overseas attachment. We communicated online and I thought that we were connecting, at the very least as friends. She shared things about herself and I listened. We had friendly banter and good exchanges. However for some reason or another it felt that I was the one looking for attention, the one chasing a lost cause. And so it proved.
And then she returned. This was supposed to be my chance, my opportunity to advance things further. Even though the warning signs were clear for me to see, I still retained hope. Until that day.
That day my dark side appeared. A side which I had kept repressed for long periods, that I had kept dormant and hiding, reared its ugly head. It lashed out at anyone who dared to question its existence, who tried to marginalise its position. And on that day, that someone was her.
And so that illusion of me ever getting together with her was smashed for good. It was smashed into many tiny pieces at last. It hurt a lot. It felt like the old times many years ago. However it brought me clarity.
That clarity was that we were probably not meant to be. We are from vastly different backgrounds in more ways than one. She was from the world where things were morally the way they were supposed to be, and justice was present. I, on the other hand, exist in the realm where the rules are meant to be bent, and nice guys tend to finish last. She could never really understand me, and likewise, I could never possibly understand her, and I was a fool for even bothering to try.
In that aspect, I need to work on myself. It is a long journey, and one that is best without her. She will probably go on to have a fruitful journey under the watchful eye of the Lord, and be a blessing to many people. For myself, I will just be content with settling with my lot and dealing with my inner demons and fears one by one. Whatever it is, I doubt our paths will ever cross again, and I doubt that even if they did, I would be able to have the same kind of connection I had before.
So ends the story. Who knows, she might even read it by mistake, however for what it is, it has brought me the closure I need.
So I would say this:
Thanks for knowing you, and thank you for the time we shared as acquaintances, no matter how brief.
I would have thought that we had something special, however it wasn't to be.
Whatever it is, that road has ended and now I can move on.
If I have lashed out on you, the fault is mine and I now apologise.
However things have changed since that day indeed, and whatever we had is now gone for good.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Darkness of My Psyche
Suffice to say that I will keep this post short.
Throughout my life, loneliness has been my companion, and inferiority my motto. My life has been littered with many highlights of disappointment, failed attempts and rejection. No matter what I try, failure is always not far away, and despair breathes down my neck relentlessly.
Those who have never gone down this road will never know the pain that lies there. They can try to analyse matters, they can give advice, they can try to nod their heads and empathise. But they will never know the pain...the pain that comes when you are in this self-created hell.
Those who look for optimism should run from me, for they will burn in the flames of my despair. Those who look for hope should hide from me, for they wil be crushed by the weight of my anger.
Bitterness tinges my every words, and I declare this loudly, for this is the hell I live in. If God was looking for me, He need look no further. The question is not whether he could pull me out of this, but tather, would He even bother? What use does He have for one who has renounced the very values He has preached?
Go find all your knights in shining armour elsewhere, for you will find nothing but despair and darkness here.
Throughout my life, loneliness has been my companion, and inferiority my motto. My life has been littered with many highlights of disappointment, failed attempts and rejection. No matter what I try, failure is always not far away, and despair breathes down my neck relentlessly.
Those who have never gone down this road will never know the pain that lies there. They can try to analyse matters, they can give advice, they can try to nod their heads and empathise. But they will never know the pain...the pain that comes when you are in this self-created hell.
Those who look for optimism should run from me, for they will burn in the flames of my despair. Those who look for hope should hide from me, for they wil be crushed by the weight of my anger.
Bitterness tinges my every words, and I declare this loudly, for this is the hell I live in. If God was looking for me, He need look no further. The question is not whether he could pull me out of this, but tather, would He even bother? What use does He have for one who has renounced the very values He has preached?
Go find all your knights in shining armour elsewhere, for you will find nothing but despair and darkness here.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Can't think of a title for now....so these are just random thoughts
Its that time again for blogging. It has become pretty therapeutic over the past month, especially given the conflicting emotions in my head at times. Blogging helps to crystallise my thoughts and gives me insight into my inner psyche. Many times, when I look back at my previous posts, I can accurately observe the emotions that were running through me at that particular point in time. Some were positive, and some were definitely negative. All in all, this has helped me learn more about myself, and provides me with valuable feedback for improvement.
Now I am doing RT again, albeit reluctantly. It does sting a bit knowing that the fact I am coming back to RT indicates that I have not been fit enough for the past year. In itself though, it is a form of physical training, and I am grateful for that. It would be best of course, if I moved on with this phase of my life and used my time for other ventures.
Work has settled down somewhat, and I am grateful for the helpful colleagues I have encountered along the way. There are some grouses of course, but overall it has been a valuable learning experience thus far. I am planning to take my MRCP Part 1 of course, and I know that it will require dedication and commitment to pass. These qualities are qualities I do have, but have allowed to lay dormant for a while. It is probably time to reawaken them now. The process will have to take time though, so it is best to do it early.
And then there is that search for a soulmate. After giving it serious thought, I have decided to leave in God's hands. There is no point worrying about events that are yet to materialise, and agonise over questions where the answers are yet to be revealed. I must admit that emotionally it is tough for me to leave it to God, as it means giving up some control of my life. However I have realised that only He has true wisdom, and He will make the best choice for me. It is a leap of faith, something that I am not used to taking. However, given the current circumstances, it is the best course of action I can take. I believe that the day is coming soon though, and so I am optimistic.
That is all I can think for now...here's to the end of June and looking forward to a successful July!
Now I am doing RT again, albeit reluctantly. It does sting a bit knowing that the fact I am coming back to RT indicates that I have not been fit enough for the past year. In itself though, it is a form of physical training, and I am grateful for that. It would be best of course, if I moved on with this phase of my life and used my time for other ventures.
Work has settled down somewhat, and I am grateful for the helpful colleagues I have encountered along the way. There are some grouses of course, but overall it has been a valuable learning experience thus far. I am planning to take my MRCP Part 1 of course, and I know that it will require dedication and commitment to pass. These qualities are qualities I do have, but have allowed to lay dormant for a while. It is probably time to reawaken them now. The process will have to take time though, so it is best to do it early.
And then there is that search for a soulmate. After giving it serious thought, I have decided to leave in God's hands. There is no point worrying about events that are yet to materialise, and agonise over questions where the answers are yet to be revealed. I must admit that emotionally it is tough for me to leave it to God, as it means giving up some control of my life. However I have realised that only He has true wisdom, and He will make the best choice for me. It is a leap of faith, something that I am not used to taking. However, given the current circumstances, it is the best course of action I can take. I believe that the day is coming soon though, and so I am optimistic.
That is all I can think for now...here's to the end of June and looking forward to a successful July!
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
That agonizing feeling
What is that feeling when you are attracted to someone, but just lack the courage to turn thought into action?
It is agonizing to say the least. Every minute feels like an hour, every day feels like a year. You imagine scenarios where you succeed, and envisage nightmares where you fail. And every day, the thought eats at you, encouraging you to take the next step, yet recoiling in horror when you get closer to achieving that objective.
Every day, you tell yourself to concentrate on other matters, however that person's image appears again and again in your head. And by cruel coincidence, you keep having chance meetings with that person at every corner. However, once you feel more confident and think that this is THE opportunity, the person is nowhere to be seen.
Such is the feeling I feel at present. Of course, logic will tell you that if you think too much of one person, it borders on obsession. It probably also means that more often than not, that person is not the right one for you.
Then again, sometimes emotion just overwhelms pure logic.
Oh the agony!
It is agonizing to say the least. Every minute feels like an hour, every day feels like a year. You imagine scenarios where you succeed, and envisage nightmares where you fail. And every day, the thought eats at you, encouraging you to take the next step, yet recoiling in horror when you get closer to achieving that objective.
Every day, you tell yourself to concentrate on other matters, however that person's image appears again and again in your head. And by cruel coincidence, you keep having chance meetings with that person at every corner. However, once you feel more confident and think that this is THE opportunity, the person is nowhere to be seen.
Such is the feeling I feel at present. Of course, logic will tell you that if you think too much of one person, it borders on obsession. It probably also means that more often than not, that person is not the right one for you.
Then again, sometimes emotion just overwhelms pure logic.
Oh the agony!
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Weekend off
I am now blogging with alarming regularity it seems, that is now 2 times in a week that I have posted an entry. I suppose it is probably out of boredom that I am doing so. Or maybe it is an avenue to air the jumbled thoughts in my head and put it into words
Suffice to say that I kind of enjoy my MO posting at the moment. There are many new procedures to do and new things to learn. In addition, I have been blessed with capable colleagues so far. It is a drastic change from the dark days of my surgical postings, where I was a one man show. Besides, the scenery is much improved now with our junior batch around. It feels strange to be senior though, as I am too used to doing the menial work. However, I do relish the challenge of utillising my new found responsibilities of delegation and patient ownership.
Focusing on the other aspects of my life has been a challenge to say the least. Even more so because I am a procrastinator. It is hard for me to sustain new ventures simply because I am too used to being comfortable. Taking the plunge is not something i am accustomed to.
Physically, I want to lose weight, for my own general well being. I feel that for too long I have been compromising myself, and I want this cycle to stop. It will taken a Herculean effort for sure, and an even stronger will, however I wish to do all I can to end this cycle of decadence
Socially, I can't say for sure. Of course life would be more colourful if I had someone special in my life, however I cannot stay here and bemoan my loneliness, tempting as it may. Life is made up of too many facets, and is too short for me to wallow in such misery. Besides, I am 26 and not 45. Many years and many opportunities await. There are people who have caught my eye, however I want to know them better before making a decision. If all else fails, I know that I still have a life, and being alone won't change that.
Mentally, I want to work of motivating myself more to break out of the glass ceiling that I have created. All the negative thoughts, all the disappointments, all the criticism....has led me to this state because I allowed them to do so. That will have to change for sure, as without a strong mind, all ventures are doomed to failure.
Overall though, I will be satisfied with what I have right now. A stable job, a family and a few friends. Most of all, I probably, however undeservingly, have God by my side.
Suffice to say that I kind of enjoy my MO posting at the moment. There are many new procedures to do and new things to learn. In addition, I have been blessed with capable colleagues so far. It is a drastic change from the dark days of my surgical postings, where I was a one man show. Besides, the scenery is much improved now with our junior batch around. It feels strange to be senior though, as I am too used to doing the menial work. However, I do relish the challenge of utillising my new found responsibilities of delegation and patient ownership.
Focusing on the other aspects of my life has been a challenge to say the least. Even more so because I am a procrastinator. It is hard for me to sustain new ventures simply because I am too used to being comfortable. Taking the plunge is not something i am accustomed to.
Physically, I want to lose weight, for my own general well being. I feel that for too long I have been compromising myself, and I want this cycle to stop. It will taken a Herculean effort for sure, and an even stronger will, however I wish to do all I can to end this cycle of decadence
Socially, I can't say for sure. Of course life would be more colourful if I had someone special in my life, however I cannot stay here and bemoan my loneliness, tempting as it may. Life is made up of too many facets, and is too short for me to wallow in such misery. Besides, I am 26 and not 45. Many years and many opportunities await. There are people who have caught my eye, however I want to know them better before making a decision. If all else fails, I know that I still have a life, and being alone won't change that.
Mentally, I want to work of motivating myself more to break out of the glass ceiling that I have created. All the negative thoughts, all the disappointments, all the criticism....has led me to this state because I allowed them to do so. That will have to change for sure, as without a strong mind, all ventures are doomed to failure.
Overall though, I will be satisfied with what I have right now. A stable job, a family and a few friends. Most of all, I probably, however undeservingly, have God by my side.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Attractions
What are the attractions of my life at present?
Work - Definitely some cute things around, one especially exotic. Hopefully there can be progress made, however at the moment appreciation will have to come from a distance.
Overseas - Some potential to be found there surely through overseas ventures, especially those whose foundation is based on local connections
Guarded prognosis though.
Casual - Currently involved in an active programme, initial investments made with minor returns so far. However it is a promising start nonetheless.
So far the attractions in my life are plentiful, yet it remains to be seen whether any possible bonds can be made. Decisive measures will have to be taken.
Work - Definitely some cute things around, one especially exotic. Hopefully there can be progress made, however at the moment appreciation will have to come from a distance.
Overseas - Some potential to be found there surely through overseas ventures, especially those whose foundation is based on local connections
Guarded prognosis though.
Casual - Currently involved in an active programme, initial investments made with minor returns so far. However it is a promising start nonetheless.
So far the attractions in my life are plentiful, yet it remains to be seen whether any possible bonds can be made. Decisive measures will have to be taken.
Friday, May 07, 2010
Locked in my heart
Well its time for blogging again. Its that time of the year again where i contemplate the current state of my life. One thing that has always bothered me has been my singlehood so far. Yes, I have never had a girlfriend in my life, and from the looks of things, it seems that I won't have one for a long while.
Why is that so? Is it looks? Probably not, for i look pretty average. In fact, I would say that i would be above average if i dressed up properly. Is it income? My profession is pretty respectable. Not very profitable at the moment though, but respectable none the less. Is it my character? Tough question, that one. I would definitely say that I have flaws, however who doesn't? Besides I have my strengths too.
If I had a inherent flaw that is responsible, its probably that I am too comfortable being where I am right now. Too many times I had chances to know people better, only to see them drift apart from me because I did not keep in touch. I prefer to keep people at arms length, probably because I am scared of them seeing parts of the real me. They are actually dark secrets about me that I do not wish to reveal unless forced to, for they represent a part of me that scares me to my core. So many people have i fancied, only to see opportunities gone and doors closed to me.
Even now there are people that i like at this present moment, however i feel so powerless. I feel that circumstances are against me, that for some reason I will never find love, that I will never find happiness. Its a painful paradox really. I keep people apart, yet I want them to be closer to me. Its a paradox that I have gotten so used to, that I can't shake myself out of it.
I have aimed to get married by 30, but even that goal seems so far away. It seems so out of reach as to be inconceivable. Maybe a miracle will happen, but I doubt it. Unlocking my inner self, and getting into my private domain, is a tall task for anybody. I have more or less resigned to the reality of this life.
For now, I will just live on with my emotions locked in my heart.
Why is that so? Is it looks? Probably not, for i look pretty average. In fact, I would say that i would be above average if i dressed up properly. Is it income? My profession is pretty respectable. Not very profitable at the moment though, but respectable none the less. Is it my character? Tough question, that one. I would definitely say that I have flaws, however who doesn't? Besides I have my strengths too.
If I had a inherent flaw that is responsible, its probably that I am too comfortable being where I am right now. Too many times I had chances to know people better, only to see them drift apart from me because I did not keep in touch. I prefer to keep people at arms length, probably because I am scared of them seeing parts of the real me. They are actually dark secrets about me that I do not wish to reveal unless forced to, for they represent a part of me that scares me to my core. So many people have i fancied, only to see opportunities gone and doors closed to me.
Even now there are people that i like at this present moment, however i feel so powerless. I feel that circumstances are against me, that for some reason I will never find love, that I will never find happiness. Its a painful paradox really. I keep people apart, yet I want them to be closer to me. Its a paradox that I have gotten so used to, that I can't shake myself out of it.
I have aimed to get married by 30, but even that goal seems so far away. It seems so out of reach as to be inconceivable. Maybe a miracle will happen, but I doubt it. Unlocking my inner self, and getting into my private domain, is a tall task for anybody. I have more or less resigned to the reality of this life.
For now, I will just live on with my emotions locked in my heart.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Patterns
I am approaching my first year of work now. Time really flies...it seems like only yesterday that I just started work...and now I am almost 1 year into it. In the process I have seen many things, learnt many truths, and uncovered many facts about myself, my friends and the world in general. One of the most important though, is that my life has been dictated by certain patterns that have shaped its eventual course to this point.
These patterns have been borne out of my own personality traits and my preferences. It is why I am at this point of my life, and why I am in my current state. Indeed, there are both good and bad patterns, though I must honestly say that there are more of the latter. However, being patterns, they are hard-wired, and changing them is no easy task. In fact, it hinges on the impossible at some times.
My task is to stick to the good patterns while changing the bad ones. I expect a struggle in doing so, particularly as my own heart and mind are fickle, and tend to be swayed by the moment. The forbidden fruit always tastes better, the path to destruction always wider. All i can place my faith on is my will and hopefully, that of God's.
These patterns have been borne out of my own personality traits and my preferences. It is why I am at this point of my life, and why I am in my current state. Indeed, there are both good and bad patterns, though I must honestly say that there are more of the latter. However, being patterns, they are hard-wired, and changing them is no easy task. In fact, it hinges on the impossible at some times.
My task is to stick to the good patterns while changing the bad ones. I expect a struggle in doing so, particularly as my own heart and mind are fickle, and tend to be swayed by the moment. The forbidden fruit always tastes better, the path to destruction always wider. All i can place my faith on is my will and hopefully, that of God's.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Vote for Change
Here I am again. This is the first time posting since I realised that this blog is no longer my own personal playground anymore. Nonetheless, it is the place for me to release my inner emotions. Being open is diificult for me though, in more ways than one. It makes me vulnerable, and for all intents and purposes, I hate being vulnerable.
Being 26 and turning 27, my life is definitely at a crossroads. I see many friends around me who have moved on. Some have gotten married, some have bought houses, some have even started families. In essence, all their lives have undergone major changes. Myself? Not that much. Apart from a new job, everything still looks and feels similar, both good and bad.
You could say I am stuck in a rut. On one hand, I am used to the comfort and monotone of my daily routine. It doesn't use up plenty of brain power, and it is easy. On the other, I yearn for challenges, a big shift in my life that will change my direction and grant me new purpose. However i also know that it will imply some suffering, some pain and some tough choices. I don't think I am ready for those...or so say the restrictions in my mind.
My close friends say that I am limiting myself, and probably they are right. I know that I am capable of much more than what I am now. Problem is, I continue making excuses. Year after year, I make a resolution only to break it. Then at the end of the year I tell myself that the previous year will be the last and I pledge to improve, only to relapse back to my comfortable state.
Can I break out of the chains of my mind? I don't know. I know I have to, but I don't know how.
What are the true limits of my potential? Maybe I just have to find out.
Being 26 and turning 27, my life is definitely at a crossroads. I see many friends around me who have moved on. Some have gotten married, some have bought houses, some have even started families. In essence, all their lives have undergone major changes. Myself? Not that much. Apart from a new job, everything still looks and feels similar, both good and bad.
You could say I am stuck in a rut. On one hand, I am used to the comfort and monotone of my daily routine. It doesn't use up plenty of brain power, and it is easy. On the other, I yearn for challenges, a big shift in my life that will change my direction and grant me new purpose. However i also know that it will imply some suffering, some pain and some tough choices. I don't think I am ready for those...or so say the restrictions in my mind.
My close friends say that I am limiting myself, and probably they are right. I know that I am capable of much more than what I am now. Problem is, I continue making excuses. Year after year, I make a resolution only to break it. Then at the end of the year I tell myself that the previous year will be the last and I pledge to improve, only to relapse back to my comfortable state.
Can I break out of the chains of my mind? I don't know. I know I have to, but I don't know how.
What are the true limits of my potential? Maybe I just have to find out.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Ever since work began
When did I last post? Last year? It says so on the date
What has changed since then?
Hmm... I am working now, that's different
On other things....
1) I am still single
2) My family is still dysfunctional
3) I still succumb to my addictions
4) I still failed my IPPT
5) My religious life is still a mess (probably worse than what it once was)
6) I am still a petty person
So in short, there really isn't that much difference between then and now
Apart from the fact that I am working that is. And about that...
Well suffice to say that it has been far tougher than I could have ever imagined. My mother told me it would be a culture shock, and it definitely has been. I have lost count of the many times I have been scolded, ridiculed, laughed at, swore upon and the list goes on. Many days I have stayed beyond office hours trying to clear a pile of work that never seems to shrink and only grows with time. Whatever social life I once had (and believe me, I didn't have a lot)has all but disappeared, and my love life...well what love life? All i see is my friends around me getting married, while I don't even have a close female friend with me, let alone partner.
Am i whining? Of course I am. Am i being bitter? Definitely. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Without a shadow of a doubt. I ask myself, will this cycle ever end? Will things ever get better? So far they have only seemed to get worse.
And then I realise, the world does not play along with my rules, it plays along with God's rules. Like it or not, everything is playing out the way He wants it to be. And if it turns out bad for me, there is not a thing I can do to change it.
You ask, where is your faith in Him? Where is this faith in God that is supposed to be unshakeable? I answer, I might have never had it. Probably once, but definitely not now.
And so to come to the end of this post, what has changed since work began? Nothing, save for broken limbs, broken hearts and a broken spirit.
What has changed since then?
Hmm... I am working now, that's different
On other things....
1) I am still single
2) My family is still dysfunctional
3) I still succumb to my addictions
4) I still failed my IPPT
5) My religious life is still a mess (probably worse than what it once was)
6) I am still a petty person
So in short, there really isn't that much difference between then and now
Apart from the fact that I am working that is. And about that...
Well suffice to say that it has been far tougher than I could have ever imagined. My mother told me it would be a culture shock, and it definitely has been. I have lost count of the many times I have been scolded, ridiculed, laughed at, swore upon and the list goes on. Many days I have stayed beyond office hours trying to clear a pile of work that never seems to shrink and only grows with time. Whatever social life I once had (and believe me, I didn't have a lot)has all but disappeared, and my love life...well what love life? All i see is my friends around me getting married, while I don't even have a close female friend with me, let alone partner.
Am i whining? Of course I am. Am i being bitter? Definitely. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Without a shadow of a doubt. I ask myself, will this cycle ever end? Will things ever get better? So far they have only seemed to get worse.
And then I realise, the world does not play along with my rules, it plays along with God's rules. Like it or not, everything is playing out the way He wants it to be. And if it turns out bad for me, there is not a thing I can do to change it.
You ask, where is your faith in Him? Where is this faith in God that is supposed to be unshakeable? I answer, I might have never had it. Probably once, but definitely not now.
And so to come to the end of this post, what has changed since work began? Nothing, save for broken limbs, broken hearts and a broken spirit.
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