Looking back

Today I sit down and recount one of the many people I have met in my life. I guess at this point it is a futile exercise, given that we are probably not going to be at speaking terms after this point, but nevertheless I will recount.

I met her about 3 years ago, when I was still going to church full of optimism. She caught my eye as one who was bubbly and had very bright eyes. Her eyes shone brightly, even through the glasses she was wearing. I felt her energy there and then and thought there was a possibility of a connection. Over time, as we communicated via the cell group, I found myself more and more drawn to her.

Even after the split, I kept in contact. A part of me thought that this was a fool's errand, however another actually believed that something between us was possible. We met, and thought we shared things in common. Even as I prepared for my exams, we would meet up, and I thought I knew more about her. Or so I thought.

The months passed, and I graduated and began my work career. I never saw her again after that, and I would always try to create an opportunity, only to meet denial time and again. I should have seen the warning signs then, the fact that nothing was going to come out of it, but I persisted anyway. I looked for other avenues to distract myself, and was met with limited success. Probably that should have been the end of my chase, but it wasn't.

Then she left for her overseas attachment. We communicated online and I thought that we were connecting, at the very least as friends. She shared things about herself and I listened. We had friendly banter and good exchanges. However for some reason or another it felt that I was the one looking for attention, the one chasing a lost cause. And so it proved.

And then she returned. This was supposed to be my chance, my opportunity to advance things further. Even though the warning signs were clear for me to see, I still retained hope. Until that day.

That day my dark side appeared. A side which I had kept repressed for long periods, that I had kept dormant and hiding, reared its ugly head. It lashed out at anyone who dared to question its existence, who tried to marginalise its position. And on that day, that someone was her.

And so that illusion of me ever getting together with her was smashed for good. It was smashed into many tiny pieces at last. It hurt a lot. It felt like the old times many years ago. However it brought me clarity.

That clarity was that we were probably not meant to be. We are from vastly different backgrounds in more ways than one. She was from the world where things were morally the way they were supposed to be, and justice was present. I, on the other hand, exist in the realm where the rules are meant to be bent, and nice guys tend to finish last. She could never really understand me, and likewise, I could never possibly understand her, and I was a fool for even bothering to try.

In that aspect, I need to work on myself. It is a long journey, and one that is best without her. She will probably go on to have a fruitful journey under the watchful eye of the Lord, and be a blessing to many people. For myself, I will just be content with settling with my lot and dealing with my inner demons and fears one by one. Whatever it is, I doubt our paths will ever cross again, and I doubt that even if they did, I would be able to have the same kind of connection I had before.

So ends the story. Who knows, she might even read it by mistake, however for what it is, it has brought me the closure I need.

So I would say this:
Thanks for knowing you, and thank you for the time we shared as acquaintances, no matter how brief.
I would have thought that we had something special, however it wasn't to be.
Whatever it is, that road has ended and now I can move on.
If I have lashed out on you, the fault is mine and I now apologise.
However things have changed since that day indeed, and whatever we had is now gone for good.

Darkness of My Psyche

Suffice to say that I will keep this post short.

Throughout my life, loneliness has been my companion, and inferiority my motto. My life has been littered with many highlights of disappointment, failed attempts and rejection. No matter what I try, failure is always not far away, and despair breathes down my neck relentlessly.

Those who have never gone down this road will never know the pain that lies there. They can try to analyse matters, they can give advice, they can try to nod their heads and empathise. But they will never know the pain...the pain that comes when you are in this self-created hell.

Those who look for optimism should run from me, for they will burn in the flames of my despair. Those who look for hope should hide from me, for they wil be crushed by the weight of my anger.

Bitterness tinges my every words, and I declare this loudly, for this is the hell I live in. If God was looking for me, He need look no further. The question is not whether he could pull me out of this, but tather, would He even bother? What use does He have for one who has renounced the very values He has preached?

Go find all your knights in shining armour elsewhere, for you will find nothing but despair and darkness here.