Sighz

Hey the tests are over and life has resumed its normal, mundane and boring routine. I think I did okay for all my papers...but I think I could have done much better in physiology had I spent more time preparing for it....but that's life and I can only hope that I will do better next time. Now I am in the midst of preparing for my Cambodia trip...and the logistics have simply been mind boggling...I mean...the workload is pretty heavy. But I guess this is all for the greater good of the expedition.

Now that I have already well and truly began my life in NUS as a medicine student, old troubles have surfaced again that still trouble me. Somehow I still have the sense of self-doubt within me when it comes to doing things that I am not proficient yet or have never tried before. I have put in much effort to subdue this trait of mine, but it appears to haunt me time and again. Just like my driving license....somehow I cannot convince myself that I possess the ability to pass the driving test.

The other thing that bothers me that there is a girl I fancy but lack the courage to approach. I have known her for 4 years now, ever since we met in junior college. Despite the fact that she was in a different faculty from me, I managed to keep in touch with her throughout my jc and army life. Now, in university, I would really like to give myself a chance and tell her how I feel. But somehow the words just fail to come out from my mouth..and I really am not sure of what to do. For her, I have taken a risky step in my life in getting to accept Christianity, something which is really against my family beliefs. I really felt that I had made a rash and foolish decision since I had no immediate desire to accept Christ as my Personal Saviour, but somehow in her presence, I actually made such a choice. I admit that this was hypocritical of me, but I just could not help it at the time. Truly, I have greatly sinned. Honestly, as I got to know her church better , I fully started to realize how distant and withdrawn I was from Christianity. They say going to church constantly strengthens the relationship with God, but for me it made me feel more and more alien.....and I don't know why, but God does not seem to communicate with me at all. There just seems to be this barrier between us. Maybe I am not worthy of Him, that's why. I am inferior, for I am a sinner already for trying to reach him half heartedly for the sake of unrequited puppy infatuation. Hence I cannot hear what He says. I feel that I am really not destined to mix with such people, for they are so different, so commited to God in every conversation and talk about church life, whereas I stand in a state of limbo, not knowing where my religious allegiances lie, not knowing my own true faith.

I stepped out of my comfort zone for someone who probably only sees me as an elder brother at most, and I feel so stupid and foolish. Sometimes I get the false hope from her smses that she may actually have feelings for me, but all these evaporate into harsh realities when I see her in church or in school. I really want to give up and let this whole episode go, but somehow that sentimental, foolish side inside me tells me that I should still give myself a chance and tell her the truth. I really don't know what to do.....and sometimes I ask myself: Why am I so depressed when it comes to women? Why can't I be like other people who just treat their lady friends like normal friends and just take singlehood in their stride? Why can't I just live life a little happier knowing at least that we can still be friends instead of a relationship? I am really at a loss of what to do at this moment in time.

They say God can perform miracles. Well personally I believe in miracles, only that miracles for me have never come from God. They have always come from the Goddess of Mercy, who has always helped me whenever I have prayed to her for aid. But to God, if you do truly exist and care about me, which I really hope you do, as you have promised those who ask you for aid, I am asking you to help me deal with this problem....I need your guidance to help me make the right decisions so that I can live in peace with myself, for right now I am running in circles with no end in sight. I admit that I am a sinner, one who has rejected you time and again, knowing my folly yet continuing to go down the path of sin. For that I know that forgiveness will be too much for me to ask, but still I implore you to just help me in my life just this once, so that I can recapture the optimism in my life that has been missing for so long. I entrust my life into your hands o Lord, and whatever happens will be your decision. In Jesus's name, Amen.

That's the end of a very long post. It is really the culmination of the main problem that I have refused to confront for so long. Hopefully it can end for me soon so that I can get on with my life and others with theirs as well.

Sigh..

I failed my driving test again...pretty depressing isn't it? I was really pissed off with myself after the test as I felt that I could have done better...but oh well...life goes on and guess I have to wait for the next test next feburary. Sometimes I look at other people with driving licenses and I wonder why I haven't got mine, but now my thoughts are more straightened out...at least I have time on my side, and besides, I do not have a car on hand to drive, so maybe I do not really need the license for now.

Which brings me to the fact that I am pretty pessimistic about everything, from things as trivial as a driving license to things like having a grilfriend. I honestly have not been in a relationship before, but for some reason I cannot seem to stop comparing with others who are in one or have been in one. For some reason I feel as though I am missing something in my life. Whatever the case, worrying does not seem to do me any good whatsoever, and I really hope that I could just look at things from a more optimistic point of view...but oh well, life goes on and I have to look at things day by day.

Well I do have someone I fancy...but I rather not take the initiative now since my exams are approaching...hopefully in the near future...anyway for now books are more important !

FA,CA and Driving Test....why so many tests

Feeling pretty depressed over the week...my fa was particularly hard. Maybe I underestimated how hard it could be because I thought the scope covered was small, but I couldn't have been more wrong! Now I think I probably failed due to my overconfidence...damn...and now with the actual CA coming up, I am starting to fear for my grades...since the topics seem too much for me to cover within 1 month. What can one do against such adversity? Well looks like I have to take it 1 day at a time...

Tomorrow is my second shot at my driving test...seriously hope that I can make it this time...honestly I feel quite pressurised since after this test I may not get another chance to retake before next year, so a lot hangs on tomorrow's performance...Looks like I can only pray for the best...and achieve something unique in my family

Back to books and mugging then....

Oh yeah! Arsenal are beaten!

Yo...feeling groggy after watching last nite's match...but i saw history in the making so it was definitely worth it...arsenal's unbeaten run has ended..oh yeah..by none another than by their worst nemesis, man u! Okay so the referee was on man u's side but that does not matter....anyway who said life was fair? arsenal have had their own share of controversy...remember how they convinced the ref not to give a penalty against them in one match? So the way I see it, they got their just retribution....congrats to the red devils for ending their run and finally give the arsenal fans that sinking feeling of LOOOOOOSING!

Ole for the devils!

Now it is back to reality and studying for me...and there is a YEP outing to Ubin this Friday. Honestly my enthusiasm has dropped considerably since I feel I cannot integrate into the group. I do not know why...the group just seems a little..disjointed. Hopefully we can bond better after the Ubin trip but seriously I do not think so...maybe it is just my antisocial and pessimistic self at work again...i will see how things unfold during the trip...back to books for now though!

Yeah man tests are over! And then comes another one...

Yeah it is me again...today was the day of my biochemistry FA...finally i saw the difference of 2 weeks of study as compared to 2 days..there was a significant improvement in my score (or maybe the questions were just easier?) Anyway after the euphoria of this test there is the stark reality of having to do another paper...this time anatomy...wonder when this is all going to end? hmmm...

Tests!

I have a biochemistry test this weekend...and my main CA is coming in 6 weeks time...dunno wat to do now...i think i am getting sick of studying as it is. Imagine the irony..I was dying to have a chance to study when I was in NS, and now i cannot take it anymore. Life here seems to be centralised around one purpose : studying! Imagine studying after lectures, after tutorials, after meals, after reaching home...studying knows no boundaries over here. Oh well, guess that is the price to pay for freedom...

Brand New Day, Brand New Start

Heyo everyone!

My name is Victor...quite a common name in the world these days, especially in my uni faculty...there are at least 5 people who share the same name as I do. This is my first blog, and I will really appreciate it if people give me pointers on how to go about making it look cool...cos i certainly could use some advice. Anyway, I am currently in my first year in the National University of Singapore(NUS) and I am studying medicine....the course right now is pretty okay, save for all the extra studying that comes after lectures...till now I still can pretty much cope. Anyway...that is it for my starting address...hopefully i can pen more of my thoughts as the days go by..Cheerio!