Hey, back on the blogging trail again...I have restarted my kickboxing lessons, and guess what? I sprained my foot in the very first lesson. Imagine that for luck? Well I guess that the old adage "No gain no pain" really does apply here...
Oh well, today I had a good amount of time to think about my current state, and I realised that well, I tend to long too much for attention. I mean, I was always wish I had a girlfriend or something, but that seems to be the very thing which prevents me from getting one in the first place. Well, I think that I am really thinking too much about this issue, and this makes my life unnecesssarily miserable. However, I want to change this state of affairs and just live life as it is.
How to go about doing that? Just make myself busy? Just go on outings every day just for the sake of distracting myself? I would really like to find a solution to this problem. I would think that the only way to get out this mess is to just adopt a wait and see policy, but yet there is always that nagging feeling that refuses to go away. It is like that monkey on my back that refuses to be shaken off. They always say that the best way to enjoy life is to be yourself, yet I know what I am like, an introverted personality. I always try to blend in into other social groups, but I always feel left out no matter what I do.
I think my main problem is a lack of confidence in socializing. I always seem to suffer from a mental barrier. That's probably why I don't have an extensive circle of friends. Oh well, guess I have to try to change that then in order to assimilate into the mainstream of society.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Thoughts
Today I am in a more morose mood than usual...I don't know why, but it seems that recently all the debris of my life has come to bother me again, as usual. Perhaps this is fate, that I have to face things which I have been running away from for some time now. I just feel strange over confronting such matters, for though the rational part of me feels like resolving the issues and letting them go, the emotional one insists that I continue distancing myself from these issues. Seriously, the distancing option appeals to me. There are some people I just don't want in my life anymore. It is not as though they have done wrong to me whatsoever, but seeing, talking or even thinking about them just brings back the memories that I don't want to recall. In truth, I would rather remain shelving these individuals into the back of my mind so that I can just continue on with my life. The reminders of my mistakes, my errors and rash decisions are all reflected in these people's eyes, and that it something that I do wish to resolve, but I just can't do it, not at this point of time.
How long can I run away from all of these? Ideally, forever perhaps, but it does speak of cowardice. But then again, I was always some sort of coward to begin with. Otherwise, I would not have such problems in the first place. Sometimes I wonder why I even wanted to know these people to begin with. I tried to fit in, I tried to make progress with them, but it never worked out, it never became comfortable. All the time spent trying to make myself presentable as a person never paid off in any shape of form. I want to be myself, but I know myself all to well, an introverted recluse. That's why I am right here typing all my thoughts in a blog instead of finding someone to comfort my sorrows in. Its hard for one to put up a facade all this while, trying to pretend to be someone you are not, and believe me, I have been putting this on for quite sometime now.
I wonder if anyone reads this...I sure hope not, it is definitely not the flowery display that you see in other people's blogs. This is just the ranting of an individual who just can't shake off the cobwebs of the past. If you do, and you feel turned off, by all means just change the website. If not, you just read at your own discretion. I don't use foul language anyway, so I will not be censored. Neither do I have any political views, so I won't be charged about anything either.
It is really painful to know certain truths about yourself, and that is surely been omnipresent in my life. I would really hope that a life-changing experience would happen to shed some light into my situation, but I know that that is not going to happen. When I went to Cambodia, I thought it would trigger a change, but it didn't. On the contrary it made me feel kind of depressed and lost, knowing that despite all my efforts I was still only just an outcast. So basically I have given up on that route to perdition...
I believe that God, in whatever shape or form, exists. Maybe He has an escape route for others, but not for me in particular. I mean, what is one so powerful to bother with bitching from non-Christian people such as myself? True, true, there are people who come telling me the miracles of God's work, but those miracles are only few and far between. I have yet to see anything, and even so, I am sceptical of Him being there for me every time. What is one to bother with a forsaken one such as myself? And as such, I can't, won't and will probably never convert ever again. I made that mistake once, and look where it got me? Nowhere. My path is not the path of Christ, and unless events prove otherwise, I will stick to my guns and live my life in the miserable way I choose to live it. For evangelists out there, especially those who have tried to change me, just stay out of my existence and preach your values to those who you think are more deserving. Don't waste your breath on me, I have heard just about enough!
How long can I run away from all of these? Ideally, forever perhaps, but it does speak of cowardice. But then again, I was always some sort of coward to begin with. Otherwise, I would not have such problems in the first place. Sometimes I wonder why I even wanted to know these people to begin with. I tried to fit in, I tried to make progress with them, but it never worked out, it never became comfortable. All the time spent trying to make myself presentable as a person never paid off in any shape of form. I want to be myself, but I know myself all to well, an introverted recluse. That's why I am right here typing all my thoughts in a blog instead of finding someone to comfort my sorrows in. Its hard for one to put up a facade all this while, trying to pretend to be someone you are not, and believe me, I have been putting this on for quite sometime now.
I wonder if anyone reads this...I sure hope not, it is definitely not the flowery display that you see in other people's blogs. This is just the ranting of an individual who just can't shake off the cobwebs of the past. If you do, and you feel turned off, by all means just change the website. If not, you just read at your own discretion. I don't use foul language anyway, so I will not be censored. Neither do I have any political views, so I won't be charged about anything either.
It is really painful to know certain truths about yourself, and that is surely been omnipresent in my life. I would really hope that a life-changing experience would happen to shed some light into my situation, but I know that that is not going to happen. When I went to Cambodia, I thought it would trigger a change, but it didn't. On the contrary it made me feel kind of depressed and lost, knowing that despite all my efforts I was still only just an outcast. So basically I have given up on that route to perdition...
I believe that God, in whatever shape or form, exists. Maybe He has an escape route for others, but not for me in particular. I mean, what is one so powerful to bother with bitching from non-Christian people such as myself? True, true, there are people who come telling me the miracles of God's work, but those miracles are only few and far between. I have yet to see anything, and even so, I am sceptical of Him being there for me every time. What is one to bother with a forsaken one such as myself? And as such, I can't, won't and will probably never convert ever again. I made that mistake once, and look where it got me? Nowhere. My path is not the path of Christ, and unless events prove otherwise, I will stick to my guns and live my life in the miserable way I choose to live it. For evangelists out there, especially those who have tried to change me, just stay out of my existence and preach your values to those who you think are more deserving. Don't waste your breath on me, I have heard just about enough!
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