Flaws about myself i never knew

Here I am again with my next entry. This week has been a week of busy studying, and every day has seen me cram tons of information into my head, in an attempt to know as much as possible by the time examinations start. An impossible task, to say the least. But well, guess I will just keep on trying.

In the midst of it all, I decided to check out the NATAS Fair with my friends, as we were planning a location for our long-awaited grad trip. After running through a few choices, it came down to Turkey, Japan, and Europe. Personally, I wanted an exotic location, as I wanted my grad trip to have significance. My friends, however, wanted a cheaper option as they wanted to save cash. When it looked as though I was not going to get what I wanted, I sulked. That's right, I sulked.

Turns out that I am a pretty petty person after all. I was later chided by my friends a bit, and rightly so. Actually, all the options provided were okay, but just because it wasn't my choice, I felt obliged to sulk. As my friend pointed out, I placed so much importance on getting my way that I had lost my sense of reason to some extent. And looking back, I realise that this is a flaw of mine I need to correct. My pride should not be the focus of all my actions, as this does not honour God. By placing my pride in front of everything else, I blinded myself to options and opinions which were better than my own.

I thank God for revealing these flaws to me, and hence ask Him to take them away. By His will, I know that it will be done.

End of the road

Today was the last day of being in the wards. Having already gone on a tour of most of the hospitals in Singapore....I was tired and burnt out to say the least. Nevertheless, there were interesting things to see on the final day. One was a case I had never seen before in my life, and I was pleasantly surprised to get the diagnosis right. Credit doesn't go to me though, it goes to God.

After today, I am barred from the wards, and that means the next time I step into a hospital, it is the real deal. In all honesty, I am scared that I will be unprepared when the time comes, yet I know that God is with me throughout this journey. Where it ends I do not know, but He is with me. And I think to myself, that is all I need.

It was also pleasing to get a few things sorted out. Namely my Remedial training, which I will be doing in June instead, and my job application, of which I have obtained my memo from my psychiatrist, who didn't even charge me a single cent as well (I guess doctors really look after their kind). Of course, there is still the issue of my deferment to settle, which I will finish my some degree this weekend, and my grad trip...of which I have been waiting for the travel fair for sometime now. However, in general, all is well, and I thank God for that.

It will be, in most probability, the last 2 weeks of my student life at this point. It is going to be a last charge to the finish, and well, there is no telling how it will all end. Everyone just wants this test to be over and done with. I am no exception as well.

Facing the trials ahead with Hope

Hey, I am back again. Currently I am in the thick of studying for my final exam, my last ever paper as a full time student.

Besides that, I have a few wrangles to settle...bi.both regarding my national service. The first regards by remedial training, which I was supposed to do soon, but couldn't find a slot as they were all booked. The second concerns my deferment, which I am still trying to find a reason for.

In all honesty, both issues could have been settled by now. But as the procrastinator that I am, I have let both of them drag until this point. Whatever has happened, I now have to entangle myself out of this mess, and I pray that the Lord will be with me as I do so, so that I can find an outcome pleasing to Him.

Regardless, I will be taking my final exam soon. For better or for worse, the exam is upon me, and I have to face it. I know that I am stepping into the unknown, and I can only hope for the best possible outcome. However, I know that the Lord is with me, and through Him all things are possible. Whatever the outcome, I know that He will never leave me to despair. Hence, I can look forward to the exam with hope, and not fear.

Regarding my addictions, suffice to say that the cravings will probably get stronger as the days wear on. I know this, for I have tread on this road many times before. However, this time I place my trust in Him to lead me out of this, and I will strive to listen to His voice in my head, above all the others.

Beautiful Day

Well, I am a bit short of time I suppose, so I will keep this post short

It was a fruitful day today, honestly. I managed to have a good workout at the gym, and I made good progress in my studies, especially in 2 areas which have been largely untouched in my preparations so far. It seemed that the workout helped as well...I was more alert and understood facts at a faster rate.

I also came to a realisation about how lucky was I to have God in my life. In the midst of my chaotic thoughts, fears and worries, it is really reassuring to know that as long as I keep my focus on Him, there will always be a way out. I can't really explain it, but it is true. Especially for such an emotional person like me, whose mood seems to swing like the tides, it is refreshing to know that so long as I am mindful that God is everywhere, and that He sees all, I have no one to fear but Him.

In the light of recent events in my church, I feel tempted to find a way out and leave. But I know that He has led me into this place for a reason, and hence I believe that there will be a way out. I know there will.

Its a beautiful day!

Motives

Here I am again with my next post. This blog has been an excellent outlet for me to reveal my fears, hopes and dreams. With it, I am able to piece together my thoughts, and organise my mind.

Well today, I have decided to analyse the reasons behind why I do things. The reason? Just to view myself in a different perspective. Simply put, I am in a rut in the moment. Apart from the necessary studying required to pass my final exam (though woefully inadequate at the moment), I have not had the drive to progress in other areas. Whether it be in fitness, social interaction or getting closer to God, I am just plagued with self-doubt and insecurity whenever I try to make progress, and my effort becomes half-hearted in the end.

Why is that so? Is it because I have placed myself in a comfort zone? Maybe that is the case. However, it was not too long ago and I went to do a marathon, participated in 2 musicals for my faculty, and participated in an acapella group. As I look back, I think to myself....why did I go and do those things?

It is then that I realise: I was looking for some recognition, some 'face' as Chinese would like to call it. I did not wish to be ordinary, so I did those things, that people would remember me as someone hip, rather than just some run of the mill nerd from medicine. Turns out that explains why I am spontaneously answering questions, being the joker in the class, always seeming to be the 'smart' one when obviously I am not. I want to be the centre of attention, simply because I want people to look at me, and not fade into obscurity as a regular guy. That's probably why deep down I want a sexy, successful lady to be my girlfriend and wife, rather than the normal, sweet looking girl next door. It is all about face.

But is that the right purpose to do things? I know it is not, however, it is difficult to put in down, and tell myself that there is more to life than just face. My spirit wants it, but my mind and heart reject it. Time and again I tell myself that I should find a true purpose, one that will align everything together and unleash my true potential, but every day passes and no progress is made. It is truly a source of frustration. Shouldn't be my purpose be to love God, and serve Him only? I know that with my mind, but not with my heart.

I know that I am not one who prays fervently and wholeheartedly. In fact, I pretty much don't pray a lot at all. Compared to the devout people in my church, I am miles behind in my prayer life. Yet I know that this should be a time to get down on my knees and ask for guidance from Him. The Lord should be the one who directs my path. However, my pride still blocks the way to doing so.

As a result, I live life day by day, studying so not to fail, rather than studying to excel. Doing things so that I will look relevant, and not outdated. Those are the motives of my current life.

Fears of making the right choice.

Once again I am posting...wow seems like I am developing a pattern here...

Today I had to make an important decision, a decision which could have implications on my future career.

I have had this long standing mental issue, which I have wrestled with since I was 12. For many years, I thought I could handle it on my own. Year after year I tried to fight the problem with my own means, thinking it was just part of growing up, and it would eventually disappear on its own. However, rather than going away, the problem just got worse. Slowly it eroded into my psyche, into my self confidence. Outwardly I was normal, but inwardly I felt embarrassed, even frightened. I thought I was going mad. I thought there was another person inside me, driving me to imagine things that I was disgusted with. It was only when I actually turned 21 that I realised that the problem was never going to go away, and I needed help. However, it was only till last year that I mustered the courage to go and see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist gave me the insight into my problem that I had been searching for, and reassured me that I would be able to overcome it. Even though I still struggle with the problem, I know that I have made progress. I know that it is through God alone that I will be free.

I still fear though, that this problem may still linger on. I still fear the fact that I will have to tell some people about this issue, people whom I don't even know. My employment form has stated that I reveal whether I have seen a shrink in the past, and asks for details as well. I have decided to tell the truth, and will ask the psychiatrist to provide me with a referral. However, the question still remains...how many people need to know?

The Bible itself says that what one sows, one shall reap. I know that my decision to tell the truth is the right one, for I would rather be labelled as a weird person, rather than as a weirdo and a liar. Even so, I can't control the consequences, and I will just have to trust God on this one.

Blogging Again....on the brink of transition

Guess I am blogging again after such a long hiatus. Many things have happened since my last post, the most important being the fact that I accepted Jesus Christ into my life once again. In essence, I have come full circle, I accepted Christ, ran away from Him, and have come back to Him again.

In truth, there is still much to learn about life, and I come to this realisation at a time where my life is at a crossroads. Within a few months, I will take my final MBBS, which represents the final exam of my life as a full fledged student. Should I pass, the working world beckons, a world that I am not sure I am truly ready for. Truly, the fears have always crossed my mind: Will I be a good enough doctor for my patients to trust me with their lives? These doubts will probably always linger in some corner of my mind, however I have come to realise that it only through experiencing this fear and still give full committment will I truly be able to overcome them. Of course, this is not through my strength, but that of the Lord's.

I am still looking for my true purpose in my life, the purpose of which God has given me. There have been many false dawns, many disappointments, many wrong turns, yet I still press on in looking. It is a process that I constantly wish to undertake, even if society's appeal to go with the flow is enticing. This is because I know deep down that one can only find true happiness if he is doing the things which are intertwined with his purpose. This was what I was created for, and hence I strive to find it.

May God give me direction and faith to find this purpose.

I'm back!

Glad to be writing again after so long...just started 4 year with a round of short postings...which I really think I should be serious about though everyone says they are the fun and relaxing times. As a matter of fact, I share their sentiments exactly. I mean, who wants the holidays to end so soon? At the moment, I am just taking time to catch up with some old army friends and schoolmates (which is convenient for them given that they are still having holidays). But of course, there are more important projects to be undertaken

4th year is electives year, and I am already preparing an application to go to UCLA. Though I cannot guarantee a successful application, I believe it is well worth the trouble to attempt to gain entry. I am confident of a successful attempt, and should things happen otherwise, I have alternative plans in mind as well, so I am not unduly worried. Other things in store are the AHM and Standard Chartered Marathon, which I hope to attempt this year. Though preparations so far are not exactly going to plan, I am still confident of a fruitful experience in both events.

Most importantly, I have decided that it is time to define my purpose in life, and to align myself to it. For so long, I have been just going with the flow, doing what everyone else is doing without understanding what it all meant to me. That has been the reason why I have felt that life was monotonous and drab. From now on, I strive to figure out my purpose, and pursue goals aligned to this purpose. This will create the colour I so desire in my life.

End of the year....

Well, it has been a long time since I last posted isn't it? Many things have happened since then, triumphs and disappointments both included. I am now at the tail end of 2006, and I must say that I feel unfulfilled as to what I have achieved this year. It started off with so many aspirations, however many of these aspirations still remain just that, dreams without reality.

Compared to previous years, I seem to have lost a bit of the drive that kept me going in my first 2 years. I don't know why...it seems as though the fire that burnt so strongly at the start is beginning to wane due to lack of fuel. Probably it was all the studying I did in the first part of the year, or probably it was due to clinical postings, which I felt drained me quite a bit. Whatever it was, it affected my enthusiasm and my energy levels, and hence I found myself losing the motivation and focus to learn more, which I believe cost me in my end of posting test which I ended up failing. I also stopped going to Muay Thai in that period, and now I am stuck with a paunch which I detest but seem unable to find the energy to something about...or so I lead myself to believe.

I can honestly say that I have reached a low point in my life that needs some reinvention and an infusion of new energy. Somehow, my brain seems to know the answer...plan out how to improve your life, and the improvements will come...but somehow I lack the motivation to do that. I look at what others can achieve and know that I can match those achievements, however I need that spark, that motivation, and that impetus in order to do so, and I am still trying to find it.

The funny thing is that people actually look up to me for inspiration, even at this point in time others are still giving me compliments for what I do. Is this where my spark should come from? Honestly, I do not know.

Anyway, now the priority will be to tie up loose ends and plan for the new year, which should promise new challenges ahead. After that, we'll see.

Its all in the mind...

Heh, its been a while since I last posted. Many things have happened since my last post. I have finished my surgery posting and am now into my medicine posting at Alexandra hospital. Along the way, I have learned many things, both by observation and practice(more by observation though, lol). I also learned a lot of truths about myself and my clinical group mates. Sometimes things are just not what they seem....

I have realised that in a lot of situations, I am always affected by the events happening around me. While that means I am aware of my surroundings, more often than not it has created a sense of apprehension and indecisiveness in me. For instance when I wanted to speak to certain patients, their gaze or tone often affected my final decision, and thus resulted in me not taking that crucial step forward. I often found myself seeking approval from others in decisions, and felt that others opinions weighed more heavily than mine.

Maybe I should trust my gut feel more... sometimes it is important to have faith in yourself that the decision you make is the right one no matter what the opinions of others are. Be it to present a case, to talk to someone, or to arrange an event, I should learn to trust my instincts more. Its all in the mind, after all.

2006 has come!

Haha a new year has come at last...and with it starts a fresh chapter in my life...Ok...maybe not that fresh...It is still the same old exams, same old library and same old faculty...but still, there are still new things to anticipate and look forward to. For instance, Chinese New Year, the time to get an extra more bucks of undeserved income, and many more days of fun to come(ok, now I am becoming to sound a bit overly optimistic)

Looking back at the previous year, I realised that I have gone through quite a lot of new experiences, some good, some bad, but all with each individual life lesson for me. I have learnt that it could be a good thing to let go of certain things, and take up fresh challenges which I wouldn't have previously. Overall, I think I have emerged a more mature person out of all of I have been through.

But there is always room for improvement, and I surely hope that I can learn more things this upcoming year. For instance, my clinicals are coming, and it is with great anticipation that I await that moment,since I have always believed that practical skills were my Achilles heel, yet I am still excited over the opportunity to put what I have learnt into practice and take my first BIG steps to being a fully fledged doctor. Also, I hope to make more friends this year, given the fact that I have realised that my circle of friends could do with a bit more expanding, and knowing more people is always a good thing, not a bad one.Finally, I have set myself some physical goals...such as wanting to run in the Standard Chartered Marathon...something which I have never ever contemplated before..It sure is a good target to aim for

One only lives once, so one should treasure every moment he gets to enjoy life...hopefully I can make this mantra more evident this year and not sound so despondent as I have been in previous posts

Posting bcos I am bored...

Oh well, I must seriously say that I am posting this time around as I have nothing better to do really. Yeah apart from studying of course...but I guess I am getting really sick of doing that. I mean, day after day of staring at thick textbooks which have obscure jargon and bizarre concepts...that's enough to drive mere mortals like me mad.

Life in school has become somewhat of a monotone for me: coming to school, attending lectures, looking at people whom I want to talk to but can't, studying in the library, going home...its all become that same routine everyday. Gone were the days where I would have frequent outings and all that stuff. It seems that the world has moved without me...or at least, that's what I think it has. The friends of yesterday are no longer the close friends of today. Sure there is the customary wave and smile of acknowledgement and maybe even a few jokes, but the closeness has disappeared. And quite honestly, there are times in which I think to myself whether I am the problem. Maybe I don't have something that others have that makes them desired in the clique. I am probably just the butt of everyone's jokes...no one seems to really care a damn about me then, except look at me and think that I am able to handle everything.

I really hate putting on this facade in which I just laugh at people's jibes about me, just to gain acceptance. There are times I really wish that I could let it out and voice my displeasure, but I just can't for fear of hurting others. The only outlet of my frustration is through my training, but even that has its limits. Deep inside, I feel lonely and wish that a close friend would share my troubles, but it seems as though there are none to speak of, none that I can fully trust to share the most private of secrets.

What must I do then? I do not know, apart from the fact that I have to accept things as they are and continue on....that's why I continue my journey in soltitude, oblivious to the transient warmth of friendship.

A new beginning

Hey, term has restarted and the holidays are over! I must say, it has been quite some time since I stepped into the lecture theatre. But I guess that will be my permanent home for the next year or so, so I will definitely get used to it before long.

With many new subjects, I need a more definitive focus than the previous term. Somehow I was able to make it last year despite my many distractions, but there will be no such luck this time. Hence this year my focus will be to hit the ground running as soon as possible..something that I haven't been really good at..but I guess now is a good a time to start as any.

I would think that all the problems that I have encountered outside of my studies are academic now(no pun intended) . I mean, life is full of ups and downs and has to take its course somehow, so I guess I just need to follow it and see where it leads to. Enough of waiting for things that aren't meant to be.

I do want to take some things to the next level though...things like my exercise routine. This time, I wish to take it more seriously and get some real and permanent results, unlike previous failed attempts. It will be painful, but I am sure something can happen if I put my heart in it. I could do it before with my driving, so why not with this?

A new beginning, a new start....things will finally get serious

Bintan

Just came back from Bintan yesterday! I must say, the atmosphere there was one of pure relaxation...nothing to worry about there except probably the prices...at least twice that in Singapore! Oh well I guess that is probably due to the fact that the place is a tourist resort after all...During the trip I got to know some people better and make a few new friends in the process, so i guess it was all well worth it. Heh, even my lack of swimming skills didn't turn out to be much of a factor after all...the pool was 1.5 m in height only! And it was a good thing too, for we were playing water polo for at least 3 hours in there...wonder what would have happened it the pool was just slightly deeper...

Anyway, after coming back sunburnt and refreshed, I guess it is time for me to take stock of what to do next. Helping out with the preparations for Rag and Flag Day in the university would be a good place to start, its just that I don't really know how to go about doing it. Maybe a few cameo appearances would help to get the ball rolling...in that case, I will look around for any possible opportunites to appear then. Seriously, I am feeling a little guilty with not helping out with the preparations, as well as slightly bitter about not being selected as an OGL....but I guess I should be able to get over that in due time...I should just lighten up and look on the bright side of life...I still have things that I can do after all

Still have tuition students to teach....the schedule has just gotten more hectic...especially with the O levels just around the corner, and to tell the truth, I am quite anxious for my students as well, for I really want them to do well in their exams...hmm I will try to do the best I can to ensure that happens I guess

Oh well till then its time to work!

Can I get an Encore...do you want more?

Hey, back on the blogging trail again...I have restarted my kickboxing lessons, and guess what? I sprained my foot in the very first lesson. Imagine that for luck? Well I guess that the old adage "No gain no pain" really does apply here...

Oh well, today I had a good amount of time to think about my current state, and I realised that well, I tend to long too much for attention. I mean, I was always wish I had a girlfriend or something, but that seems to be the very thing which prevents me from getting one in the first place. Well, I think that I am really thinking too much about this issue, and this makes my life unnecesssarily miserable. However, I want to change this state of affairs and just live life as it is.

How to go about doing that? Just make myself busy? Just go on outings every day just for the sake of distracting myself? I would really like to find a solution to this problem. I would think that the only way to get out this mess is to just adopt a wait and see policy, but yet there is always that nagging feeling that refuses to go away. It is like that monkey on my back that refuses to be shaken off. They always say that the best way to enjoy life is to be yourself, yet I know what I am like, an introverted personality. I always try to blend in into other social groups, but I always feel left out no matter what I do.

I think my main problem is a lack of confidence in socializing. I always seem to suffer from a mental barrier. That's probably why I don't have an extensive circle of friends. Oh well, guess I have to try to change that then in order to assimilate into the mainstream of society.

Thoughts

Today I am in a more morose mood than usual...I don't know why, but it seems that recently all the debris of my life has come to bother me again, as usual. Perhaps this is fate, that I have to face things which I have been running away from for some time now. I just feel strange over confronting such matters, for though the rational part of me feels like resolving the issues and letting them go, the emotional one insists that I continue distancing myself from these issues. Seriously, the distancing option appeals to me. There are some people I just don't want in my life anymore. It is not as though they have done wrong to me whatsoever, but seeing, talking or even thinking about them just brings back the memories that I don't want to recall. In truth, I would rather remain shelving these individuals into the back of my mind so that I can just continue on with my life. The reminders of my mistakes, my errors and rash decisions are all reflected in these people's eyes, and that it something that I do wish to resolve, but I just can't do it, not at this point of time.

How long can I run away from all of these? Ideally, forever perhaps, but it does speak of cowardice. But then again, I was always some sort of coward to begin with. Otherwise, I would not have such problems in the first place. Sometimes I wonder why I even wanted to know these people to begin with. I tried to fit in, I tried to make progress with them, but it never worked out, it never became comfortable. All the time spent trying to make myself presentable as a person never paid off in any shape of form. I want to be myself, but I know myself all to well, an introverted recluse. That's why I am right here typing all my thoughts in a blog instead of finding someone to comfort my sorrows in. Its hard for one to put up a facade all this while, trying to pretend to be someone you are not, and believe me, I have been putting this on for quite sometime now.

I wonder if anyone reads this...I sure hope not, it is definitely not the flowery display that you see in other people's blogs. This is just the ranting of an individual who just can't shake off the cobwebs of the past. If you do, and you feel turned off, by all means just change the website. If not, you just read at your own discretion. I don't use foul language anyway, so I will not be censored. Neither do I have any political views, so I won't be charged about anything either.

It is really painful to know certain truths about yourself, and that is surely been omnipresent in my life. I would really hope that a life-changing experience would happen to shed some light into my situation, but I know that that is not going to happen. When I went to Cambodia, I thought it would trigger a change, but it didn't. On the contrary it made me feel kind of depressed and lost, knowing that despite all my efforts I was still only just an outcast. So basically I have given up on that route to perdition...

I believe that God, in whatever shape or form, exists. Maybe He has an escape route for others, but not for me in particular. I mean, what is one so powerful to bother with bitching from non-Christian people such as myself? True, true, there are people who come telling me the miracles of God's work, but those miracles are only few and far between. I have yet to see anything, and even so, I am sceptical of Him being there for me every time. What is one to bother with a forsaken one such as myself? And as such, I can't, won't and will probably never convert ever again. I made that mistake once, and look where it got me? Nowhere. My path is not the path of Christ, and unless events prove otherwise, I will stick to my guns and live my life in the miserable way I choose to live it. For evangelists out there, especially those who have tried to change me, just stay out of my existence and preach your values to those who you think are more deserving. Don't waste your breath on me, I have heard just about enough!

Goals....

Well obviously it has been 2 weeks ever since my exams ended, and honestly, I am still stuck in a state of limbo...can't get out of it. It has been pretty evident that my life is quite dependent on studying alone. Looks like I am a true nerd after all. I feel like restarting my kickboxing lessons, yet I am sort of afraid of the tough training that lies ahead. What is one to do in the coming months? Haven't set any sort of target whatsoever...

That's always the way my holidays seem to turn out...state of limbo, spending every day looking at my console doing nothing but surfing the same pages again and again. Before I know it the next term is upon me and there is no free time left. Sometimes I find it pretty frustrating...but I can't seem to break this chain of events. I guess I should find a job to earn some money and relieve this boredom...but that is still a stopgap solution to my problems

Setting goals has always been a problem for me, and still is...it is only with extreme good luck that they haven't seriously compromised my school life as of yet. But it is something i need to start doing in order to really survive in the working world and to find purpose in my studies and other aspects of my life i guess...

Oh well...that's just the story of my life I guess...but I need to find the strength to overcome this period of sloth if i want to find some meaning in what I am doing.

The end of everything

Yes! At long last the ordeal is over...at least for now. Honestly I feel a bit worried about my pros, especially for biochemistry and anatomy, because I felt that i did not answer the questions in depth....but I guess that the time for worrying is past and that I should focus on the present, which is planning on what to do for the forthcoming holidays! Whatever happens in the subsequent week will depend on what my intentions are for this coming break.

Another huge plus...I passed my driving test! Honestly I believe that divine intervention played a part in this. I didn't really have much hope for this test, because I did not sleep well the night before and I was caught in a traffic jam which led me to be late for my warmup. Even the test itself didn't go very smoothly. With my first turn in the circuit, I turned into the wrong lane. I also stalled the car during my parallel parking, and had to do my vertical parking twice. Even the road was fraught with its many perils. And the end of it all, I was really planning ahead to my next retest. Hence to find out that I had passed was really a pleasant surprise beyond my wildest expectations! A really big thanks to all that have supported me and encouraged me not to give up..you all deserve it!

Heh..I am brain dead now...can't think of anything else to write...but when I think of something, I will be sure to update it!

CAs are over and the final stretch is upon me...

At long last the CAs are over. CA 2 was surely much tougher than the first one, but hopefully i did enough just to scrape through....In all honesty I must take some of the blame for my Biochemistry results though...I did not study the relevant portions required. But what's past is past and one must now look onward. In 4 weeks time it will be the pros and they consist of writing, writing and more writing. So i guess that the CAs were nothing more than an appetiser for the main course Well I guess if I put in my utmost effort for the CA I should do okay, but the preparations must start early this time...no more fooling around. At least I feel that I am in the groove for this upcoming exam though.

After CAs I am still undecided as to what to do...go overseas perhaps? Or help out with orientation? Both have their pros and cons, and it is certainly not an easy decision to make. For the time being I have shelved the thoughts back, but eventually I will have to come to a decision. Maybe the following weeks will provide me with answers....

Stop whining and complaining...wake up! Life's a bitch

I finally realised some new truths over the past few weeks, and I have finally been enlightened. I have wasted a whole chunk of my life in university over some things that just weren't meant to happen. I mean, some things were impossible from the start. In the process, I have lost valuable time with which I could have used to enrich myself. Hence, from this moment on I have to just be my own man with my own path. Screw the rules and live life the way you want to live it.

And that path, as I see it, is to focus on my studies and get the desired results, rather than just pursue things such as religion and women. Such things are not relevant to me at present. As far am I am concerned, they have brought nothing but conflict and a miserable existence. I mean, I should just do things at my own pace and my own time. For a start, I made a mistake but upsetting the balance of my life by actually pursuing a religion just for the sake of others. How stupid is that?

Therefore from this day forth I focus on my own goals, which are basically my exams, my driving and the toning of my flabby physique (something which should have been done ages ago) Call me selfish, but sometimes one must put oneself over others.

For ultimate victory, one must make sacrifices. It is about time I made mine.