Motives

Here I am again with my next post. This blog has been an excellent outlet for me to reveal my fears, hopes and dreams. With it, I am able to piece together my thoughts, and organise my mind.

Well today, I have decided to analyse the reasons behind why I do things. The reason? Just to view myself in a different perspective. Simply put, I am in a rut in the moment. Apart from the necessary studying required to pass my final exam (though woefully inadequate at the moment), I have not had the drive to progress in other areas. Whether it be in fitness, social interaction or getting closer to God, I am just plagued with self-doubt and insecurity whenever I try to make progress, and my effort becomes half-hearted in the end.

Why is that so? Is it because I have placed myself in a comfort zone? Maybe that is the case. However, it was not too long ago and I went to do a marathon, participated in 2 musicals for my faculty, and participated in an acapella group. As I look back, I think to myself....why did I go and do those things?

It is then that I realise: I was looking for some recognition, some 'face' as Chinese would like to call it. I did not wish to be ordinary, so I did those things, that people would remember me as someone hip, rather than just some run of the mill nerd from medicine. Turns out that explains why I am spontaneously answering questions, being the joker in the class, always seeming to be the 'smart' one when obviously I am not. I want to be the centre of attention, simply because I want people to look at me, and not fade into obscurity as a regular guy. That's probably why deep down I want a sexy, successful lady to be my girlfriend and wife, rather than the normal, sweet looking girl next door. It is all about face.

But is that the right purpose to do things? I know it is not, however, it is difficult to put in down, and tell myself that there is more to life than just face. My spirit wants it, but my mind and heart reject it. Time and again I tell myself that I should find a true purpose, one that will align everything together and unleash my true potential, but every day passes and no progress is made. It is truly a source of frustration. Shouldn't be my purpose be to love God, and serve Him only? I know that with my mind, but not with my heart.

I know that I am not one who prays fervently and wholeheartedly. In fact, I pretty much don't pray a lot at all. Compared to the devout people in my church, I am miles behind in my prayer life. Yet I know that this should be a time to get down on my knees and ask for guidance from Him. The Lord should be the one who directs my path. However, my pride still blocks the way to doing so.

As a result, I live life day by day, studying so not to fail, rather than studying to excel. Doing things so that I will look relevant, and not outdated. Those are the motives of my current life.