Posting bcos I am bored...

Oh well, I must seriously say that I am posting this time around as I have nothing better to do really. Yeah apart from studying of course...but I guess I am getting really sick of doing that. I mean, day after day of staring at thick textbooks which have obscure jargon and bizarre concepts...that's enough to drive mere mortals like me mad.

Life in school has become somewhat of a monotone for me: coming to school, attending lectures, looking at people whom I want to talk to but can't, studying in the library, going home...its all become that same routine everyday. Gone were the days where I would have frequent outings and all that stuff. It seems that the world has moved without me...or at least, that's what I think it has. The friends of yesterday are no longer the close friends of today. Sure there is the customary wave and smile of acknowledgement and maybe even a few jokes, but the closeness has disappeared. And quite honestly, there are times in which I think to myself whether I am the problem. Maybe I don't have something that others have that makes them desired in the clique. I am probably just the butt of everyone's jokes...no one seems to really care a damn about me then, except look at me and think that I am able to handle everything.

I really hate putting on this facade in which I just laugh at people's jibes about me, just to gain acceptance. There are times I really wish that I could let it out and voice my displeasure, but I just can't for fear of hurting others. The only outlet of my frustration is through my training, but even that has its limits. Deep inside, I feel lonely and wish that a close friend would share my troubles, but it seems as though there are none to speak of, none that I can fully trust to share the most private of secrets.

What must I do then? I do not know, apart from the fact that I have to accept things as they are and continue on....that's why I continue my journey in soltitude, oblivious to the transient warmth of friendship.

A new beginning

Hey, term has restarted and the holidays are over! I must say, it has been quite some time since I stepped into the lecture theatre. But I guess that will be my permanent home for the next year or so, so I will definitely get used to it before long.

With many new subjects, I need a more definitive focus than the previous term. Somehow I was able to make it last year despite my many distractions, but there will be no such luck this time. Hence this year my focus will be to hit the ground running as soon as possible..something that I haven't been really good at..but I guess now is a good a time to start as any.

I would think that all the problems that I have encountered outside of my studies are academic now(no pun intended) . I mean, life is full of ups and downs and has to take its course somehow, so I guess I just need to follow it and see where it leads to. Enough of waiting for things that aren't meant to be.

I do want to take some things to the next level though...things like my exercise routine. This time, I wish to take it more seriously and get some real and permanent results, unlike previous failed attempts. It will be painful, but I am sure something can happen if I put my heart in it. I could do it before with my driving, so why not with this?

A new beginning, a new start....things will finally get serious

Bintan

Just came back from Bintan yesterday! I must say, the atmosphere there was one of pure relaxation...nothing to worry about there except probably the prices...at least twice that in Singapore! Oh well I guess that is probably due to the fact that the place is a tourist resort after all...During the trip I got to know some people better and make a few new friends in the process, so i guess it was all well worth it. Heh, even my lack of swimming skills didn't turn out to be much of a factor after all...the pool was 1.5 m in height only! And it was a good thing too, for we were playing water polo for at least 3 hours in there...wonder what would have happened it the pool was just slightly deeper...

Anyway, after coming back sunburnt and refreshed, I guess it is time for me to take stock of what to do next. Helping out with the preparations for Rag and Flag Day in the university would be a good place to start, its just that I don't really know how to go about doing it. Maybe a few cameo appearances would help to get the ball rolling...in that case, I will look around for any possible opportunites to appear then. Seriously, I am feeling a little guilty with not helping out with the preparations, as well as slightly bitter about not being selected as an OGL....but I guess I should be able to get over that in due time...I should just lighten up and look on the bright side of life...I still have things that I can do after all

Still have tuition students to teach....the schedule has just gotten more hectic...especially with the O levels just around the corner, and to tell the truth, I am quite anxious for my students as well, for I really want them to do well in their exams...hmm I will try to do the best I can to ensure that happens I guess

Oh well till then its time to work!

Can I get an Encore...do you want more?

Hey, back on the blogging trail again...I have restarted my kickboxing lessons, and guess what? I sprained my foot in the very first lesson. Imagine that for luck? Well I guess that the old adage "No gain no pain" really does apply here...

Oh well, today I had a good amount of time to think about my current state, and I realised that well, I tend to long too much for attention. I mean, I was always wish I had a girlfriend or something, but that seems to be the very thing which prevents me from getting one in the first place. Well, I think that I am really thinking too much about this issue, and this makes my life unnecesssarily miserable. However, I want to change this state of affairs and just live life as it is.

How to go about doing that? Just make myself busy? Just go on outings every day just for the sake of distracting myself? I would really like to find a solution to this problem. I would think that the only way to get out this mess is to just adopt a wait and see policy, but yet there is always that nagging feeling that refuses to go away. It is like that monkey on my back that refuses to be shaken off. They always say that the best way to enjoy life is to be yourself, yet I know what I am like, an introverted personality. I always try to blend in into other social groups, but I always feel left out no matter what I do.

I think my main problem is a lack of confidence in socializing. I always seem to suffer from a mental barrier. That's probably why I don't have an extensive circle of friends. Oh well, guess I have to try to change that then in order to assimilate into the mainstream of society.

Thoughts

Today I am in a more morose mood than usual...I don't know why, but it seems that recently all the debris of my life has come to bother me again, as usual. Perhaps this is fate, that I have to face things which I have been running away from for some time now. I just feel strange over confronting such matters, for though the rational part of me feels like resolving the issues and letting them go, the emotional one insists that I continue distancing myself from these issues. Seriously, the distancing option appeals to me. There are some people I just don't want in my life anymore. It is not as though they have done wrong to me whatsoever, but seeing, talking or even thinking about them just brings back the memories that I don't want to recall. In truth, I would rather remain shelving these individuals into the back of my mind so that I can just continue on with my life. The reminders of my mistakes, my errors and rash decisions are all reflected in these people's eyes, and that it something that I do wish to resolve, but I just can't do it, not at this point of time.

How long can I run away from all of these? Ideally, forever perhaps, but it does speak of cowardice. But then again, I was always some sort of coward to begin with. Otherwise, I would not have such problems in the first place. Sometimes I wonder why I even wanted to know these people to begin with. I tried to fit in, I tried to make progress with them, but it never worked out, it never became comfortable. All the time spent trying to make myself presentable as a person never paid off in any shape of form. I want to be myself, but I know myself all to well, an introverted recluse. That's why I am right here typing all my thoughts in a blog instead of finding someone to comfort my sorrows in. Its hard for one to put up a facade all this while, trying to pretend to be someone you are not, and believe me, I have been putting this on for quite sometime now.

I wonder if anyone reads this...I sure hope not, it is definitely not the flowery display that you see in other people's blogs. This is just the ranting of an individual who just can't shake off the cobwebs of the past. If you do, and you feel turned off, by all means just change the website. If not, you just read at your own discretion. I don't use foul language anyway, so I will not be censored. Neither do I have any political views, so I won't be charged about anything either.

It is really painful to know certain truths about yourself, and that is surely been omnipresent in my life. I would really hope that a life-changing experience would happen to shed some light into my situation, but I know that that is not going to happen. When I went to Cambodia, I thought it would trigger a change, but it didn't. On the contrary it made me feel kind of depressed and lost, knowing that despite all my efforts I was still only just an outcast. So basically I have given up on that route to perdition...

I believe that God, in whatever shape or form, exists. Maybe He has an escape route for others, but not for me in particular. I mean, what is one so powerful to bother with bitching from non-Christian people such as myself? True, true, there are people who come telling me the miracles of God's work, but those miracles are only few and far between. I have yet to see anything, and even so, I am sceptical of Him being there for me every time. What is one to bother with a forsaken one such as myself? And as such, I can't, won't and will probably never convert ever again. I made that mistake once, and look where it got me? Nowhere. My path is not the path of Christ, and unless events prove otherwise, I will stick to my guns and live my life in the miserable way I choose to live it. For evangelists out there, especially those who have tried to change me, just stay out of my existence and preach your values to those who you think are more deserving. Don't waste your breath on me, I have heard just about enough!

Goals....

Well obviously it has been 2 weeks ever since my exams ended, and honestly, I am still stuck in a state of limbo...can't get out of it. It has been pretty evident that my life is quite dependent on studying alone. Looks like I am a true nerd after all. I feel like restarting my kickboxing lessons, yet I am sort of afraid of the tough training that lies ahead. What is one to do in the coming months? Haven't set any sort of target whatsoever...

That's always the way my holidays seem to turn out...state of limbo, spending every day looking at my console doing nothing but surfing the same pages again and again. Before I know it the next term is upon me and there is no free time left. Sometimes I find it pretty frustrating...but I can't seem to break this chain of events. I guess I should find a job to earn some money and relieve this boredom...but that is still a stopgap solution to my problems

Setting goals has always been a problem for me, and still is...it is only with extreme good luck that they haven't seriously compromised my school life as of yet. But it is something i need to start doing in order to really survive in the working world and to find purpose in my studies and other aspects of my life i guess...

Oh well...that's just the story of my life I guess...but I need to find the strength to overcome this period of sloth if i want to find some meaning in what I am doing.

The end of everything

Yes! At long last the ordeal is over...at least for now. Honestly I feel a bit worried about my pros, especially for biochemistry and anatomy, because I felt that i did not answer the questions in depth....but I guess that the time for worrying is past and that I should focus on the present, which is planning on what to do for the forthcoming holidays! Whatever happens in the subsequent week will depend on what my intentions are for this coming break.

Another huge plus...I passed my driving test! Honestly I believe that divine intervention played a part in this. I didn't really have much hope for this test, because I did not sleep well the night before and I was caught in a traffic jam which led me to be late for my warmup. Even the test itself didn't go very smoothly. With my first turn in the circuit, I turned into the wrong lane. I also stalled the car during my parallel parking, and had to do my vertical parking twice. Even the road was fraught with its many perils. And the end of it all, I was really planning ahead to my next retest. Hence to find out that I had passed was really a pleasant surprise beyond my wildest expectations! A really big thanks to all that have supported me and encouraged me not to give up..you all deserve it!

Heh..I am brain dead now...can't think of anything else to write...but when I think of something, I will be sure to update it!

CAs are over and the final stretch is upon me...

At long last the CAs are over. CA 2 was surely much tougher than the first one, but hopefully i did enough just to scrape through....In all honesty I must take some of the blame for my Biochemistry results though...I did not study the relevant portions required. But what's past is past and one must now look onward. In 4 weeks time it will be the pros and they consist of writing, writing and more writing. So i guess that the CAs were nothing more than an appetiser for the main course Well I guess if I put in my utmost effort for the CA I should do okay, but the preparations must start early this time...no more fooling around. At least I feel that I am in the groove for this upcoming exam though.

After CAs I am still undecided as to what to do...go overseas perhaps? Or help out with orientation? Both have their pros and cons, and it is certainly not an easy decision to make. For the time being I have shelved the thoughts back, but eventually I will have to come to a decision. Maybe the following weeks will provide me with answers....

Stop whining and complaining...wake up! Life's a bitch

I finally realised some new truths over the past few weeks, and I have finally been enlightened. I have wasted a whole chunk of my life in university over some things that just weren't meant to happen. I mean, some things were impossible from the start. In the process, I have lost valuable time with which I could have used to enrich myself. Hence, from this moment on I have to just be my own man with my own path. Screw the rules and live life the way you want to live it.

And that path, as I see it, is to focus on my studies and get the desired results, rather than just pursue things such as religion and women. Such things are not relevant to me at present. As far am I am concerned, they have brought nothing but conflict and a miserable existence. I mean, I should just do things at my own pace and my own time. For a start, I made a mistake but upsetting the balance of my life by actually pursuing a religion just for the sake of others. How stupid is that?

Therefore from this day forth I focus on my own goals, which are basically my exams, my driving and the toning of my flabby physique (something which should have been done ages ago) Call me selfish, but sometimes one must put oneself over others.

For ultimate victory, one must make sacrifices. It is about time I made mine.

3rd week into term...and I finally touch my books

The title is self explanatory isn't it? Goes to show how long I have taken to readjust to the boring, mundane nature of my school life. Only today did I actually put some serious hours into my revision for the forthcoming CA. I guess I am probably luckier than most people due to the fact that my memory is somewhat of an asset when it comes to studying, but that should not be an excuse for slacking and not studying when it matters.

I just feel a sense of emptiness at the moment. I can't put my finger on it, but I just feel quite lonely inside. Is it because I have no friends? That is certainly not the case. Is it the lack of someone special? Probably, but I should have gotten over that by now. Or maybe I haven't. I just can't figure out why some people are so contented with what they have, whereas people like me are never satisfied. I guess it is just my nature. I really want to break out of this cycle of regret but I can't find the strength to do so. Sometimes I really wish for divine intervention in this matter.

As the saying goes, "The grass is always greener on the other side". That certainly applies to me a great deal.

School has restarted!

This will be a short post i guess..

Yeah as the title suggests, the mundane cycle of uni life has begun again, and I am still quite confused and disoriented. Must be the 'holiday syndrome' I think. Right now my anatomy tutorials require me to do presentations...which are quite irritating and challenging for me. Oh well guess things still have to be done. I just have to drag my lifeless carcass to the computer to type out something meaningful...

Life sucks now but it should get better...but I must put in the effort, hate it as I may, to ensure that it DOES get better

Wish me Luck!

I am 21...an adult now right?

Its been a long while since my last post...and during this time, many things have happened. Personally, I turned 21 and went to Cambdia, which was an experience I will never forget. I also made some decisions about my personal life in a way never attempted before. On the world, there was a natural disaster of such horrifying magnitude that it still seems surreal that it actually took place at all. My heart goes out to all these tsumani victims and I hope that God will deliver them from their suffering and alleviate their pain.

The Cambodia experience was really one I feel privileged and lucky to have been a part of. I got to see the world in a perspective never seen before. In Singapore, we worry about things like fashion, BGRs, grades in school, and other material stuff, but in Cambodia, what I saw were people whose concerns were on a much more basic and serious manner. Things such as water, electricity and food, which we Singaporeans take for granted. were not in abundance in this place and everything is precious to the people here. Basic survival is the name of the game in Cambodia, and looking at them struggle to survive, I felt that I should appreciate what I have so much more. Rather than just worry over trivial matters, I should instead try to do my part to help people who are less fortunate than I am. It take some time to change my current flippant lifestyle, but in order to become a more understanding person, this change is something that must be done. I pray to God to give me his guidance and guide my new path to serve His purpose for me.

Back in Singapore, I finally confessed to her that I had feelings for her....and her response was that we should just remain friends. However somehow, I wasn't as devastated as I thought I would have been. Maybe it was the fact that I expected this outcome, or maybe it was just a sign that I have grown up and have learnt to deal with rejection. Whatever the case, I felt somewhat relieved over my confessing in a way. It may not have progressed beyond friendship. but it did develop our friendship in a good way, as we were able to be more candid with each other. Somehow I believe I have gained more than I have lost, as I know her better now. She may not be that special someone now or maybe ever, but to me she will always have a special place in my heart as one of my true friends. I think I should also follow her lead and let God lead the way for finding that special someone rather than yearn for it so much and making myself miserable. Since everything is in His design, I will just let things take their course and serve Him as best as I can. Hence girls can wait, and studies and church should now be my top priority.

So ends my first column since turning 21...Happy New Year to all!

Sighz

Hey the tests are over and life has resumed its normal, mundane and boring routine. I think I did okay for all my papers...but I think I could have done much better in physiology had I spent more time preparing for it....but that's life and I can only hope that I will do better next time. Now I am in the midst of preparing for my Cambodia trip...and the logistics have simply been mind boggling...I mean...the workload is pretty heavy. But I guess this is all for the greater good of the expedition.

Now that I have already well and truly began my life in NUS as a medicine student, old troubles have surfaced again that still trouble me. Somehow I still have the sense of self-doubt within me when it comes to doing things that I am not proficient yet or have never tried before. I have put in much effort to subdue this trait of mine, but it appears to haunt me time and again. Just like my driving license....somehow I cannot convince myself that I possess the ability to pass the driving test.

The other thing that bothers me that there is a girl I fancy but lack the courage to approach. I have known her for 4 years now, ever since we met in junior college. Despite the fact that she was in a different faculty from me, I managed to keep in touch with her throughout my jc and army life. Now, in university, I would really like to give myself a chance and tell her how I feel. But somehow the words just fail to come out from my mouth..and I really am not sure of what to do. For her, I have taken a risky step in my life in getting to accept Christianity, something which is really against my family beliefs. I really felt that I had made a rash and foolish decision since I had no immediate desire to accept Christ as my Personal Saviour, but somehow in her presence, I actually made such a choice. I admit that this was hypocritical of me, but I just could not help it at the time. Truly, I have greatly sinned. Honestly, as I got to know her church better , I fully started to realize how distant and withdrawn I was from Christianity. They say going to church constantly strengthens the relationship with God, but for me it made me feel more and more alien.....and I don't know why, but God does not seem to communicate with me at all. There just seems to be this barrier between us. Maybe I am not worthy of Him, that's why. I am inferior, for I am a sinner already for trying to reach him half heartedly for the sake of unrequited puppy infatuation. Hence I cannot hear what He says. I feel that I am really not destined to mix with such people, for they are so different, so commited to God in every conversation and talk about church life, whereas I stand in a state of limbo, not knowing where my religious allegiances lie, not knowing my own true faith.

I stepped out of my comfort zone for someone who probably only sees me as an elder brother at most, and I feel so stupid and foolish. Sometimes I get the false hope from her smses that she may actually have feelings for me, but all these evaporate into harsh realities when I see her in church or in school. I really want to give up and let this whole episode go, but somehow that sentimental, foolish side inside me tells me that I should still give myself a chance and tell her the truth. I really don't know what to do.....and sometimes I ask myself: Why am I so depressed when it comes to women? Why can't I be like other people who just treat their lady friends like normal friends and just take singlehood in their stride? Why can't I just live life a little happier knowing at least that we can still be friends instead of a relationship? I am really at a loss of what to do at this moment in time.

They say God can perform miracles. Well personally I believe in miracles, only that miracles for me have never come from God. They have always come from the Goddess of Mercy, who has always helped me whenever I have prayed to her for aid. But to God, if you do truly exist and care about me, which I really hope you do, as you have promised those who ask you for aid, I am asking you to help me deal with this problem....I need your guidance to help me make the right decisions so that I can live in peace with myself, for right now I am running in circles with no end in sight. I admit that I am a sinner, one who has rejected you time and again, knowing my folly yet continuing to go down the path of sin. For that I know that forgiveness will be too much for me to ask, but still I implore you to just help me in my life just this once, so that I can recapture the optimism in my life that has been missing for so long. I entrust my life into your hands o Lord, and whatever happens will be your decision. In Jesus's name, Amen.

That's the end of a very long post. It is really the culmination of the main problem that I have refused to confront for so long. Hopefully it can end for me soon so that I can get on with my life and others with theirs as well.

Sigh..

I failed my driving test again...pretty depressing isn't it? I was really pissed off with myself after the test as I felt that I could have done better...but oh well...life goes on and guess I have to wait for the next test next feburary. Sometimes I look at other people with driving licenses and I wonder why I haven't got mine, but now my thoughts are more straightened out...at least I have time on my side, and besides, I do not have a car on hand to drive, so maybe I do not really need the license for now.

Which brings me to the fact that I am pretty pessimistic about everything, from things as trivial as a driving license to things like having a grilfriend. I honestly have not been in a relationship before, but for some reason I cannot seem to stop comparing with others who are in one or have been in one. For some reason I feel as though I am missing something in my life. Whatever the case, worrying does not seem to do me any good whatsoever, and I really hope that I could just look at things from a more optimistic point of view...but oh well, life goes on and I have to look at things day by day.

Well I do have someone I fancy...but I rather not take the initiative now since my exams are approaching...hopefully in the near future...anyway for now books are more important !

FA,CA and Driving Test....why so many tests

Feeling pretty depressed over the week...my fa was particularly hard. Maybe I underestimated how hard it could be because I thought the scope covered was small, but I couldn't have been more wrong! Now I think I probably failed due to my overconfidence...damn...and now with the actual CA coming up, I am starting to fear for my grades...since the topics seem too much for me to cover within 1 month. What can one do against such adversity? Well looks like I have to take it 1 day at a time...

Tomorrow is my second shot at my driving test...seriously hope that I can make it this time...honestly I feel quite pressurised since after this test I may not get another chance to retake before next year, so a lot hangs on tomorrow's performance...Looks like I can only pray for the best...and achieve something unique in my family

Back to books and mugging then....

Oh yeah! Arsenal are beaten!

Yo...feeling groggy after watching last nite's match...but i saw history in the making so it was definitely worth it...arsenal's unbeaten run has ended..oh yeah..by none another than by their worst nemesis, man u! Okay so the referee was on man u's side but that does not matter....anyway who said life was fair? arsenal have had their own share of controversy...remember how they convinced the ref not to give a penalty against them in one match? So the way I see it, they got their just retribution....congrats to the red devils for ending their run and finally give the arsenal fans that sinking feeling of LOOOOOOSING!

Ole for the devils!

Now it is back to reality and studying for me...and there is a YEP outing to Ubin this Friday. Honestly my enthusiasm has dropped considerably since I feel I cannot integrate into the group. I do not know why...the group just seems a little..disjointed. Hopefully we can bond better after the Ubin trip but seriously I do not think so...maybe it is just my antisocial and pessimistic self at work again...i will see how things unfold during the trip...back to books for now though!

Yeah man tests are over! And then comes another one...

Yeah it is me again...today was the day of my biochemistry FA...finally i saw the difference of 2 weeks of study as compared to 2 days..there was a significant improvement in my score (or maybe the questions were just easier?) Anyway after the euphoria of this test there is the stark reality of having to do another paper...this time anatomy...wonder when this is all going to end? hmmm...

Tests!

I have a biochemistry test this weekend...and my main CA is coming in 6 weeks time...dunno wat to do now...i think i am getting sick of studying as it is. Imagine the irony..I was dying to have a chance to study when I was in NS, and now i cannot take it anymore. Life here seems to be centralised around one purpose : studying! Imagine studying after lectures, after tutorials, after meals, after reaching home...studying knows no boundaries over here. Oh well, guess that is the price to pay for freedom...

Brand New Day, Brand New Start

Heyo everyone!

My name is Victor...quite a common name in the world these days, especially in my uni faculty...there are at least 5 people who share the same name as I do. This is my first blog, and I will really appreciate it if people give me pointers on how to go about making it look cool...cos i certainly could use some advice. Anyway, I am currently in my first year in the National University of Singapore(NUS) and I am studying medicine....the course right now is pretty okay, save for all the extra studying that comes after lectures...till now I still can pretty much cope. Anyway...that is it for my starting address...hopefully i can pen more of my thoughts as the days go by..Cheerio!