Sighz

Hey the tests are over and life has resumed its normal, mundane and boring routine. I think I did okay for all my papers...but I think I could have done much better in physiology had I spent more time preparing for it....but that's life and I can only hope that I will do better next time. Now I am in the midst of preparing for my Cambodia trip...and the logistics have simply been mind boggling...I mean...the workload is pretty heavy. But I guess this is all for the greater good of the expedition.

Now that I have already well and truly began my life in NUS as a medicine student, old troubles have surfaced again that still trouble me. Somehow I still have the sense of self-doubt within me when it comes to doing things that I am not proficient yet or have never tried before. I have put in much effort to subdue this trait of mine, but it appears to haunt me time and again. Just like my driving license....somehow I cannot convince myself that I possess the ability to pass the driving test.

The other thing that bothers me that there is a girl I fancy but lack the courage to approach. I have known her for 4 years now, ever since we met in junior college. Despite the fact that she was in a different faculty from me, I managed to keep in touch with her throughout my jc and army life. Now, in university, I would really like to give myself a chance and tell her how I feel. But somehow the words just fail to come out from my mouth..and I really am not sure of what to do. For her, I have taken a risky step in my life in getting to accept Christianity, something which is really against my family beliefs. I really felt that I had made a rash and foolish decision since I had no immediate desire to accept Christ as my Personal Saviour, but somehow in her presence, I actually made such a choice. I admit that this was hypocritical of me, but I just could not help it at the time. Truly, I have greatly sinned. Honestly, as I got to know her church better , I fully started to realize how distant and withdrawn I was from Christianity. They say going to church constantly strengthens the relationship with God, but for me it made me feel more and more alien.....and I don't know why, but God does not seem to communicate with me at all. There just seems to be this barrier between us. Maybe I am not worthy of Him, that's why. I am inferior, for I am a sinner already for trying to reach him half heartedly for the sake of unrequited puppy infatuation. Hence I cannot hear what He says. I feel that I am really not destined to mix with such people, for they are so different, so commited to God in every conversation and talk about church life, whereas I stand in a state of limbo, not knowing where my religious allegiances lie, not knowing my own true faith.

I stepped out of my comfort zone for someone who probably only sees me as an elder brother at most, and I feel so stupid and foolish. Sometimes I get the false hope from her smses that she may actually have feelings for me, but all these evaporate into harsh realities when I see her in church or in school. I really want to give up and let this whole episode go, but somehow that sentimental, foolish side inside me tells me that I should still give myself a chance and tell her the truth. I really don't know what to do.....and sometimes I ask myself: Why am I so depressed when it comes to women? Why can't I be like other people who just treat their lady friends like normal friends and just take singlehood in their stride? Why can't I just live life a little happier knowing at least that we can still be friends instead of a relationship? I am really at a loss of what to do at this moment in time.

They say God can perform miracles. Well personally I believe in miracles, only that miracles for me have never come from God. They have always come from the Goddess of Mercy, who has always helped me whenever I have prayed to her for aid. But to God, if you do truly exist and care about me, which I really hope you do, as you have promised those who ask you for aid, I am asking you to help me deal with this problem....I need your guidance to help me make the right decisions so that I can live in peace with myself, for right now I am running in circles with no end in sight. I admit that I am a sinner, one who has rejected you time and again, knowing my folly yet continuing to go down the path of sin. For that I know that forgiveness will be too much for me to ask, but still I implore you to just help me in my life just this once, so that I can recapture the optimism in my life that has been missing for so long. I entrust my life into your hands o Lord, and whatever happens will be your decision. In Jesus's name, Amen.

That's the end of a very long post. It is really the culmination of the main problem that I have refused to confront for so long. Hopefully it can end for me soon so that I can get on with my life and others with theirs as well.