Suffice to say that I will keep this post short.
Throughout my life, loneliness has been my companion, and inferiority my motto. My life has been littered with many highlights of disappointment, failed attempts and rejection. No matter what I try, failure is always not far away, and despair breathes down my neck relentlessly.
Those who have never gone down this road will never know the pain that lies there. They can try to analyse matters, they can give advice, they can try to nod their heads and empathise. But they will never know the pain...the pain that comes when you are in this self-created hell.
Those who look for optimism should run from me, for they will burn in the flames of my despair. Those who look for hope should hide from me, for they wil be crushed by the weight of my anger.
Bitterness tinges my every words, and I declare this loudly, for this is the hell I live in. If God was looking for me, He need look no further. The question is not whether he could pull me out of this, but tather, would He even bother? What use does He have for one who has renounced the very values He has preached?
Go find all your knights in shining armour elsewhere, for you will find nothing but despair and darkness here.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Can't think of a title for now....so these are just random thoughts
Its that time again for blogging. It has become pretty therapeutic over the past month, especially given the conflicting emotions in my head at times. Blogging helps to crystallise my thoughts and gives me insight into my inner psyche. Many times, when I look back at my previous posts, I can accurately observe the emotions that were running through me at that particular point in time. Some were positive, and some were definitely negative. All in all, this has helped me learn more about myself, and provides me with valuable feedback for improvement.
Now I am doing RT again, albeit reluctantly. It does sting a bit knowing that the fact I am coming back to RT indicates that I have not been fit enough for the past year. In itself though, it is a form of physical training, and I am grateful for that. It would be best of course, if I moved on with this phase of my life and used my time for other ventures.
Work has settled down somewhat, and I am grateful for the helpful colleagues I have encountered along the way. There are some grouses of course, but overall it has been a valuable learning experience thus far. I am planning to take my MRCP Part 1 of course, and I know that it will require dedication and commitment to pass. These qualities are qualities I do have, but have allowed to lay dormant for a while. It is probably time to reawaken them now. The process will have to take time though, so it is best to do it early.
And then there is that search for a soulmate. After giving it serious thought, I have decided to leave in God's hands. There is no point worrying about events that are yet to materialise, and agonise over questions where the answers are yet to be revealed. I must admit that emotionally it is tough for me to leave it to God, as it means giving up some control of my life. However I have realised that only He has true wisdom, and He will make the best choice for me. It is a leap of faith, something that I am not used to taking. However, given the current circumstances, it is the best course of action I can take. I believe that the day is coming soon though, and so I am optimistic.
That is all I can think for now...here's to the end of June and looking forward to a successful July!
Now I am doing RT again, albeit reluctantly. It does sting a bit knowing that the fact I am coming back to RT indicates that I have not been fit enough for the past year. In itself though, it is a form of physical training, and I am grateful for that. It would be best of course, if I moved on with this phase of my life and used my time for other ventures.
Work has settled down somewhat, and I am grateful for the helpful colleagues I have encountered along the way. There are some grouses of course, but overall it has been a valuable learning experience thus far. I am planning to take my MRCP Part 1 of course, and I know that it will require dedication and commitment to pass. These qualities are qualities I do have, but have allowed to lay dormant for a while. It is probably time to reawaken them now. The process will have to take time though, so it is best to do it early.
And then there is that search for a soulmate. After giving it serious thought, I have decided to leave in God's hands. There is no point worrying about events that are yet to materialise, and agonise over questions where the answers are yet to be revealed. I must admit that emotionally it is tough for me to leave it to God, as it means giving up some control of my life. However I have realised that only He has true wisdom, and He will make the best choice for me. It is a leap of faith, something that I am not used to taking. However, given the current circumstances, it is the best course of action I can take. I believe that the day is coming soon though, and so I am optimistic.
That is all I can think for now...here's to the end of June and looking forward to a successful July!
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
That agonizing feeling
What is that feeling when you are attracted to someone, but just lack the courage to turn thought into action?
It is agonizing to say the least. Every minute feels like an hour, every day feels like a year. You imagine scenarios where you succeed, and envisage nightmares where you fail. And every day, the thought eats at you, encouraging you to take the next step, yet recoiling in horror when you get closer to achieving that objective.
Every day, you tell yourself to concentrate on other matters, however that person's image appears again and again in your head. And by cruel coincidence, you keep having chance meetings with that person at every corner. However, once you feel more confident and think that this is THE opportunity, the person is nowhere to be seen.
Such is the feeling I feel at present. Of course, logic will tell you that if you think too much of one person, it borders on obsession. It probably also means that more often than not, that person is not the right one for you.
Then again, sometimes emotion just overwhelms pure logic.
Oh the agony!
It is agonizing to say the least. Every minute feels like an hour, every day feels like a year. You imagine scenarios where you succeed, and envisage nightmares where you fail. And every day, the thought eats at you, encouraging you to take the next step, yet recoiling in horror when you get closer to achieving that objective.
Every day, you tell yourself to concentrate on other matters, however that person's image appears again and again in your head. And by cruel coincidence, you keep having chance meetings with that person at every corner. However, once you feel more confident and think that this is THE opportunity, the person is nowhere to be seen.
Such is the feeling I feel at present. Of course, logic will tell you that if you think too much of one person, it borders on obsession. It probably also means that more often than not, that person is not the right one for you.
Then again, sometimes emotion just overwhelms pure logic.
Oh the agony!
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Weekend off
I am now blogging with alarming regularity it seems, that is now 2 times in a week that I have posted an entry. I suppose it is probably out of boredom that I am doing so. Or maybe it is an avenue to air the jumbled thoughts in my head and put it into words
Suffice to say that I kind of enjoy my MO posting at the moment. There are many new procedures to do and new things to learn. In addition, I have been blessed with capable colleagues so far. It is a drastic change from the dark days of my surgical postings, where I was a one man show. Besides, the scenery is much improved now with our junior batch around. It feels strange to be senior though, as I am too used to doing the menial work. However, I do relish the challenge of utillising my new found responsibilities of delegation and patient ownership.
Focusing on the other aspects of my life has been a challenge to say the least. Even more so because I am a procrastinator. It is hard for me to sustain new ventures simply because I am too used to being comfortable. Taking the plunge is not something i am accustomed to.
Physically, I want to lose weight, for my own general well being. I feel that for too long I have been compromising myself, and I want this cycle to stop. It will taken a Herculean effort for sure, and an even stronger will, however I wish to do all I can to end this cycle of decadence
Socially, I can't say for sure. Of course life would be more colourful if I had someone special in my life, however I cannot stay here and bemoan my loneliness, tempting as it may. Life is made up of too many facets, and is too short for me to wallow in such misery. Besides, I am 26 and not 45. Many years and many opportunities await. There are people who have caught my eye, however I want to know them better before making a decision. If all else fails, I know that I still have a life, and being alone won't change that.
Mentally, I want to work of motivating myself more to break out of the glass ceiling that I have created. All the negative thoughts, all the disappointments, all the criticism....has led me to this state because I allowed them to do so. That will have to change for sure, as without a strong mind, all ventures are doomed to failure.
Overall though, I will be satisfied with what I have right now. A stable job, a family and a few friends. Most of all, I probably, however undeservingly, have God by my side.
Suffice to say that I kind of enjoy my MO posting at the moment. There are many new procedures to do and new things to learn. In addition, I have been blessed with capable colleagues so far. It is a drastic change from the dark days of my surgical postings, where I was a one man show. Besides, the scenery is much improved now with our junior batch around. It feels strange to be senior though, as I am too used to doing the menial work. However, I do relish the challenge of utillising my new found responsibilities of delegation and patient ownership.
Focusing on the other aspects of my life has been a challenge to say the least. Even more so because I am a procrastinator. It is hard for me to sustain new ventures simply because I am too used to being comfortable. Taking the plunge is not something i am accustomed to.
Physically, I want to lose weight, for my own general well being. I feel that for too long I have been compromising myself, and I want this cycle to stop. It will taken a Herculean effort for sure, and an even stronger will, however I wish to do all I can to end this cycle of decadence
Socially, I can't say for sure. Of course life would be more colourful if I had someone special in my life, however I cannot stay here and bemoan my loneliness, tempting as it may. Life is made up of too many facets, and is too short for me to wallow in such misery. Besides, I am 26 and not 45. Many years and many opportunities await. There are people who have caught my eye, however I want to know them better before making a decision. If all else fails, I know that I still have a life, and being alone won't change that.
Mentally, I want to work of motivating myself more to break out of the glass ceiling that I have created. All the negative thoughts, all the disappointments, all the criticism....has led me to this state because I allowed them to do so. That will have to change for sure, as without a strong mind, all ventures are doomed to failure.
Overall though, I will be satisfied with what I have right now. A stable job, a family and a few friends. Most of all, I probably, however undeservingly, have God by my side.
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Attractions
What are the attractions of my life at present?
Work - Definitely some cute things around, one especially exotic. Hopefully there can be progress made, however at the moment appreciation will have to come from a distance.
Overseas - Some potential to be found there surely through overseas ventures, especially those whose foundation is based on local connections
Guarded prognosis though.
Casual - Currently involved in an active programme, initial investments made with minor returns so far. However it is a promising start nonetheless.
So far the attractions in my life are plentiful, yet it remains to be seen whether any possible bonds can be made. Decisive measures will have to be taken.
Work - Definitely some cute things around, one especially exotic. Hopefully there can be progress made, however at the moment appreciation will have to come from a distance.
Overseas - Some potential to be found there surely through overseas ventures, especially those whose foundation is based on local connections
Guarded prognosis though.
Casual - Currently involved in an active programme, initial investments made with minor returns so far. However it is a promising start nonetheless.
So far the attractions in my life are plentiful, yet it remains to be seen whether any possible bonds can be made. Decisive measures will have to be taken.
Friday, May 07, 2010
Locked in my heart
Well its time for blogging again. Its that time of the year again where i contemplate the current state of my life. One thing that has always bothered me has been my singlehood so far. Yes, I have never had a girlfriend in my life, and from the looks of things, it seems that I won't have one for a long while.
Why is that so? Is it looks? Probably not, for i look pretty average. In fact, I would say that i would be above average if i dressed up properly. Is it income? My profession is pretty respectable. Not very profitable at the moment though, but respectable none the less. Is it my character? Tough question, that one. I would definitely say that I have flaws, however who doesn't? Besides I have my strengths too.
If I had a inherent flaw that is responsible, its probably that I am too comfortable being where I am right now. Too many times I had chances to know people better, only to see them drift apart from me because I did not keep in touch. I prefer to keep people at arms length, probably because I am scared of them seeing parts of the real me. They are actually dark secrets about me that I do not wish to reveal unless forced to, for they represent a part of me that scares me to my core. So many people have i fancied, only to see opportunities gone and doors closed to me.
Even now there are people that i like at this present moment, however i feel so powerless. I feel that circumstances are against me, that for some reason I will never find love, that I will never find happiness. Its a painful paradox really. I keep people apart, yet I want them to be closer to me. Its a paradox that I have gotten so used to, that I can't shake myself out of it.
I have aimed to get married by 30, but even that goal seems so far away. It seems so out of reach as to be inconceivable. Maybe a miracle will happen, but I doubt it. Unlocking my inner self, and getting into my private domain, is a tall task for anybody. I have more or less resigned to the reality of this life.
For now, I will just live on with my emotions locked in my heart.
Why is that so? Is it looks? Probably not, for i look pretty average. In fact, I would say that i would be above average if i dressed up properly. Is it income? My profession is pretty respectable. Not very profitable at the moment though, but respectable none the less. Is it my character? Tough question, that one. I would definitely say that I have flaws, however who doesn't? Besides I have my strengths too.
If I had a inherent flaw that is responsible, its probably that I am too comfortable being where I am right now. Too many times I had chances to know people better, only to see them drift apart from me because I did not keep in touch. I prefer to keep people at arms length, probably because I am scared of them seeing parts of the real me. They are actually dark secrets about me that I do not wish to reveal unless forced to, for they represent a part of me that scares me to my core. So many people have i fancied, only to see opportunities gone and doors closed to me.
Even now there are people that i like at this present moment, however i feel so powerless. I feel that circumstances are against me, that for some reason I will never find love, that I will never find happiness. Its a painful paradox really. I keep people apart, yet I want them to be closer to me. Its a paradox that I have gotten so used to, that I can't shake myself out of it.
I have aimed to get married by 30, but even that goal seems so far away. It seems so out of reach as to be inconceivable. Maybe a miracle will happen, but I doubt it. Unlocking my inner self, and getting into my private domain, is a tall task for anybody. I have more or less resigned to the reality of this life.
For now, I will just live on with my emotions locked in my heart.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Patterns
I am approaching my first year of work now. Time really flies...it seems like only yesterday that I just started work...and now I am almost 1 year into it. In the process I have seen many things, learnt many truths, and uncovered many facts about myself, my friends and the world in general. One of the most important though, is that my life has been dictated by certain patterns that have shaped its eventual course to this point.
These patterns have been borne out of my own personality traits and my preferences. It is why I am at this point of my life, and why I am in my current state. Indeed, there are both good and bad patterns, though I must honestly say that there are more of the latter. However, being patterns, they are hard-wired, and changing them is no easy task. In fact, it hinges on the impossible at some times.
My task is to stick to the good patterns while changing the bad ones. I expect a struggle in doing so, particularly as my own heart and mind are fickle, and tend to be swayed by the moment. The forbidden fruit always tastes better, the path to destruction always wider. All i can place my faith on is my will and hopefully, that of God's.
These patterns have been borne out of my own personality traits and my preferences. It is why I am at this point of my life, and why I am in my current state. Indeed, there are both good and bad patterns, though I must honestly say that there are more of the latter. However, being patterns, they are hard-wired, and changing them is no easy task. In fact, it hinges on the impossible at some times.
My task is to stick to the good patterns while changing the bad ones. I expect a struggle in doing so, particularly as my own heart and mind are fickle, and tend to be swayed by the moment. The forbidden fruit always tastes better, the path to destruction always wider. All i can place my faith on is my will and hopefully, that of God's.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Vote for Change
Here I am again. This is the first time posting since I realised that this blog is no longer my own personal playground anymore. Nonetheless, it is the place for me to release my inner emotions. Being open is diificult for me though, in more ways than one. It makes me vulnerable, and for all intents and purposes, I hate being vulnerable.
Being 26 and turning 27, my life is definitely at a crossroads. I see many friends around me who have moved on. Some have gotten married, some have bought houses, some have even started families. In essence, all their lives have undergone major changes. Myself? Not that much. Apart from a new job, everything still looks and feels similar, both good and bad.
You could say I am stuck in a rut. On one hand, I am used to the comfort and monotone of my daily routine. It doesn't use up plenty of brain power, and it is easy. On the other, I yearn for challenges, a big shift in my life that will change my direction and grant me new purpose. However i also know that it will imply some suffering, some pain and some tough choices. I don't think I am ready for those...or so say the restrictions in my mind.
My close friends say that I am limiting myself, and probably they are right. I know that I am capable of much more than what I am now. Problem is, I continue making excuses. Year after year, I make a resolution only to break it. Then at the end of the year I tell myself that the previous year will be the last and I pledge to improve, only to relapse back to my comfortable state.
Can I break out of the chains of my mind? I don't know. I know I have to, but I don't know how.
What are the true limits of my potential? Maybe I just have to find out.
Being 26 and turning 27, my life is definitely at a crossroads. I see many friends around me who have moved on. Some have gotten married, some have bought houses, some have even started families. In essence, all their lives have undergone major changes. Myself? Not that much. Apart from a new job, everything still looks and feels similar, both good and bad.
You could say I am stuck in a rut. On one hand, I am used to the comfort and monotone of my daily routine. It doesn't use up plenty of brain power, and it is easy. On the other, I yearn for challenges, a big shift in my life that will change my direction and grant me new purpose. However i also know that it will imply some suffering, some pain and some tough choices. I don't think I am ready for those...or so say the restrictions in my mind.
My close friends say that I am limiting myself, and probably they are right. I know that I am capable of much more than what I am now. Problem is, I continue making excuses. Year after year, I make a resolution only to break it. Then at the end of the year I tell myself that the previous year will be the last and I pledge to improve, only to relapse back to my comfortable state.
Can I break out of the chains of my mind? I don't know. I know I have to, but I don't know how.
What are the true limits of my potential? Maybe I just have to find out.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Ever since work began
When did I last post? Last year? It says so on the date
What has changed since then?
Hmm... I am working now, that's different
On other things....
1) I am still single
2) My family is still dysfunctional
3) I still succumb to my addictions
4) I still failed my IPPT
5) My religious life is still a mess (probably worse than what it once was)
6) I am still a petty person
So in short, there really isn't that much difference between then and now
Apart from the fact that I am working that is. And about that...
Well suffice to say that it has been far tougher than I could have ever imagined. My mother told me it would be a culture shock, and it definitely has been. I have lost count of the many times I have been scolded, ridiculed, laughed at, swore upon and the list goes on. Many days I have stayed beyond office hours trying to clear a pile of work that never seems to shrink and only grows with time. Whatever social life I once had (and believe me, I didn't have a lot)has all but disappeared, and my love life...well what love life? All i see is my friends around me getting married, while I don't even have a close female friend with me, let alone partner.
Am i whining? Of course I am. Am i being bitter? Definitely. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Without a shadow of a doubt. I ask myself, will this cycle ever end? Will things ever get better? So far they have only seemed to get worse.
And then I realise, the world does not play along with my rules, it plays along with God's rules. Like it or not, everything is playing out the way He wants it to be. And if it turns out bad for me, there is not a thing I can do to change it.
You ask, where is your faith in Him? Where is this faith in God that is supposed to be unshakeable? I answer, I might have never had it. Probably once, but definitely not now.
And so to come to the end of this post, what has changed since work began? Nothing, save for broken limbs, broken hearts and a broken spirit.
What has changed since then?
Hmm... I am working now, that's different
On other things....
1) I am still single
2) My family is still dysfunctional
3) I still succumb to my addictions
4) I still failed my IPPT
5) My religious life is still a mess (probably worse than what it once was)
6) I am still a petty person
So in short, there really isn't that much difference between then and now
Apart from the fact that I am working that is. And about that...
Well suffice to say that it has been far tougher than I could have ever imagined. My mother told me it would be a culture shock, and it definitely has been. I have lost count of the many times I have been scolded, ridiculed, laughed at, swore upon and the list goes on. Many days I have stayed beyond office hours trying to clear a pile of work that never seems to shrink and only grows with time. Whatever social life I once had (and believe me, I didn't have a lot)has all but disappeared, and my love life...well what love life? All i see is my friends around me getting married, while I don't even have a close female friend with me, let alone partner.
Am i whining? Of course I am. Am i being bitter? Definitely. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Without a shadow of a doubt. I ask myself, will this cycle ever end? Will things ever get better? So far they have only seemed to get worse.
And then I realise, the world does not play along with my rules, it plays along with God's rules. Like it or not, everything is playing out the way He wants it to be. And if it turns out bad for me, there is not a thing I can do to change it.
You ask, where is your faith in Him? Where is this faith in God that is supposed to be unshakeable? I answer, I might have never had it. Probably once, but definitely not now.
And so to come to the end of this post, what has changed since work began? Nothing, save for broken limbs, broken hearts and a broken spirit.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Flaws about myself i never knew
Here I am again with my next entry. This week has been a week of busy studying, and every day has seen me cram tons of information into my head, in an attempt to know as much as possible by the time examinations start. An impossible task, to say the least. But well, guess I will just keep on trying.
In the midst of it all, I decided to check out the NATAS Fair with my friends, as we were planning a location for our long-awaited grad trip. After running through a few choices, it came down to Turkey, Japan, and Europe. Personally, I wanted an exotic location, as I wanted my grad trip to have significance. My friends, however, wanted a cheaper option as they wanted to save cash. When it looked as though I was not going to get what I wanted, I sulked. That's right, I sulked.
Turns out that I am a pretty petty person after all. I was later chided by my friends a bit, and rightly so. Actually, all the options provided were okay, but just because it wasn't my choice, I felt obliged to sulk. As my friend pointed out, I placed so much importance on getting my way that I had lost my sense of reason to some extent. And looking back, I realise that this is a flaw of mine I need to correct. My pride should not be the focus of all my actions, as this does not honour God. By placing my pride in front of everything else, I blinded myself to options and opinions which were better than my own.
I thank God for revealing these flaws to me, and hence ask Him to take them away. By His will, I know that it will be done.
In the midst of it all, I decided to check out the NATAS Fair with my friends, as we were planning a location for our long-awaited grad trip. After running through a few choices, it came down to Turkey, Japan, and Europe. Personally, I wanted an exotic location, as I wanted my grad trip to have significance. My friends, however, wanted a cheaper option as they wanted to save cash. When it looked as though I was not going to get what I wanted, I sulked. That's right, I sulked.
Turns out that I am a pretty petty person after all. I was later chided by my friends a bit, and rightly so. Actually, all the options provided were okay, but just because it wasn't my choice, I felt obliged to sulk. As my friend pointed out, I placed so much importance on getting my way that I had lost my sense of reason to some extent. And looking back, I realise that this is a flaw of mine I need to correct. My pride should not be the focus of all my actions, as this does not honour God. By placing my pride in front of everything else, I blinded myself to options and opinions which were better than my own.
I thank God for revealing these flaws to me, and hence ask Him to take them away. By His will, I know that it will be done.
Friday, February 20, 2009
End of the road
Today was the last day of being in the wards. Having already gone on a tour of most of the hospitals in Singapore....I was tired and burnt out to say the least. Nevertheless, there were interesting things to see on the final day. One was a case I had never seen before in my life, and I was pleasantly surprised to get the diagnosis right. Credit doesn't go to me though, it goes to God.
After today, I am barred from the wards, and that means the next time I step into a hospital, it is the real deal. In all honesty, I am scared that I will be unprepared when the time comes, yet I know that God is with me throughout this journey. Where it ends I do not know, but He is with me. And I think to myself, that is all I need.
It was also pleasing to get a few things sorted out. Namely my Remedial training, which I will be doing in June instead, and my job application, of which I have obtained my memo from my psychiatrist, who didn't even charge me a single cent as well (I guess doctors really look after their kind). Of course, there is still the issue of my deferment to settle, which I will finish my some degree this weekend, and my grad trip...of which I have been waiting for the travel fair for sometime now. However, in general, all is well, and I thank God for that.
It will be, in most probability, the last 2 weeks of my student life at this point. It is going to be a last charge to the finish, and well, there is no telling how it will all end. Everyone just wants this test to be over and done with. I am no exception as well.
After today, I am barred from the wards, and that means the next time I step into a hospital, it is the real deal. In all honesty, I am scared that I will be unprepared when the time comes, yet I know that God is with me throughout this journey. Where it ends I do not know, but He is with me. And I think to myself, that is all I need.
It was also pleasing to get a few things sorted out. Namely my Remedial training, which I will be doing in June instead, and my job application, of which I have obtained my memo from my psychiatrist, who didn't even charge me a single cent as well (I guess doctors really look after their kind). Of course, there is still the issue of my deferment to settle, which I will finish my some degree this weekend, and my grad trip...of which I have been waiting for the travel fair for sometime now. However, in general, all is well, and I thank God for that.
It will be, in most probability, the last 2 weeks of my student life at this point. It is going to be a last charge to the finish, and well, there is no telling how it will all end. Everyone just wants this test to be over and done with. I am no exception as well.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Facing the trials ahead with Hope
Hey, I am back again. Currently I am in the thick of studying for my final exam, my last ever paper as a full time student.
Besides that, I have a few wrangles to settle...bi.both regarding my national service. The first regards by remedial training, which I was supposed to do soon, but couldn't find a slot as they were all booked. The second concerns my deferment, which I am still trying to find a reason for.
In all honesty, both issues could have been settled by now. But as the procrastinator that I am, I have let both of them drag until this point. Whatever has happened, I now have to entangle myself out of this mess, and I pray that the Lord will be with me as I do so, so that I can find an outcome pleasing to Him.
Regardless, I will be taking my final exam soon. For better or for worse, the exam is upon me, and I have to face it. I know that I am stepping into the unknown, and I can only hope for the best possible outcome. However, I know that the Lord is with me, and through Him all things are possible. Whatever the outcome, I know that He will never leave me to despair. Hence, I can look forward to the exam with hope, and not fear.
Regarding my addictions, suffice to say that the cravings will probably get stronger as the days wear on. I know this, for I have tread on this road many times before. However, this time I place my trust in Him to lead me out of this, and I will strive to listen to His voice in my head, above all the others.
Besides that, I have a few wrangles to settle...bi.both regarding my national service. The first regards by remedial training, which I was supposed to do soon, but couldn't find a slot as they were all booked. The second concerns my deferment, which I am still trying to find a reason for.
In all honesty, both issues could have been settled by now. But as the procrastinator that I am, I have let both of them drag until this point. Whatever has happened, I now have to entangle myself out of this mess, and I pray that the Lord will be with me as I do so, so that I can find an outcome pleasing to Him.
Regardless, I will be taking my final exam soon. For better or for worse, the exam is upon me, and I have to face it. I know that I am stepping into the unknown, and I can only hope for the best possible outcome. However, I know that the Lord is with me, and through Him all things are possible. Whatever the outcome, I know that He will never leave me to despair. Hence, I can look forward to the exam with hope, and not fear.
Regarding my addictions, suffice to say that the cravings will probably get stronger as the days wear on. I know this, for I have tread on this road many times before. However, this time I place my trust in Him to lead me out of this, and I will strive to listen to His voice in my head, above all the others.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Beautiful Day
Well, I am a bit short of time I suppose, so I will keep this post short
It was a fruitful day today, honestly. I managed to have a good workout at the gym, and I made good progress in my studies, especially in 2 areas which have been largely untouched in my preparations so far. It seemed that the workout helped as well...I was more alert and understood facts at a faster rate.
I also came to a realisation about how lucky was I to have God in my life. In the midst of my chaotic thoughts, fears and worries, it is really reassuring to know that as long as I keep my focus on Him, there will always be a way out. I can't really explain it, but it is true. Especially for such an emotional person like me, whose mood seems to swing like the tides, it is refreshing to know that so long as I am mindful that God is everywhere, and that He sees all, I have no one to fear but Him.
In the light of recent events in my church, I feel tempted to find a way out and leave. But I know that He has led me into this place for a reason, and hence I believe that there will be a way out. I know there will.
Its a beautiful day!
It was a fruitful day today, honestly. I managed to have a good workout at the gym, and I made good progress in my studies, especially in 2 areas which have been largely untouched in my preparations so far. It seemed that the workout helped as well...I was more alert and understood facts at a faster rate.
I also came to a realisation about how lucky was I to have God in my life. In the midst of my chaotic thoughts, fears and worries, it is really reassuring to know that as long as I keep my focus on Him, there will always be a way out. I can't really explain it, but it is true. Especially for such an emotional person like me, whose mood seems to swing like the tides, it is refreshing to know that so long as I am mindful that God is everywhere, and that He sees all, I have no one to fear but Him.
In the light of recent events in my church, I feel tempted to find a way out and leave. But I know that He has led me into this place for a reason, and hence I believe that there will be a way out. I know there will.
Its a beautiful day!
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Motives
Here I am again with my next post. This blog has been an excellent outlet for me to reveal my fears, hopes and dreams. With it, I am able to piece together my thoughts, and organise my mind.
Well today, I have decided to analyse the reasons behind why I do things. The reason? Just to view myself in a different perspective. Simply put, I am in a rut in the moment. Apart from the necessary studying required to pass my final exam (though woefully inadequate at the moment), I have not had the drive to progress in other areas. Whether it be in fitness, social interaction or getting closer to God, I am just plagued with self-doubt and insecurity whenever I try to make progress, and my effort becomes half-hearted in the end.
Why is that so? Is it because I have placed myself in a comfort zone? Maybe that is the case. However, it was not too long ago and I went to do a marathon, participated in 2 musicals for my faculty, and participated in an acapella group. As I look back, I think to myself....why did I go and do those things?
It is then that I realise: I was looking for some recognition, some 'face' as Chinese would like to call it. I did not wish to be ordinary, so I did those things, that people would remember me as someone hip, rather than just some run of the mill nerd from medicine. Turns out that explains why I am spontaneously answering questions, being the joker in the class, always seeming to be the 'smart' one when obviously I am not. I want to be the centre of attention, simply because I want people to look at me, and not fade into obscurity as a regular guy. That's probably why deep down I want a sexy, successful lady to be my girlfriend and wife, rather than the normal, sweet looking girl next door. It is all about face.
But is that the right purpose to do things? I know it is not, however, it is difficult to put in down, and tell myself that there is more to life than just face. My spirit wants it, but my mind and heart reject it. Time and again I tell myself that I should find a true purpose, one that will align everything together and unleash my true potential, but every day passes and no progress is made. It is truly a source of frustration. Shouldn't be my purpose be to love God, and serve Him only? I know that with my mind, but not with my heart.
I know that I am not one who prays fervently and wholeheartedly. In fact, I pretty much don't pray a lot at all. Compared to the devout people in my church, I am miles behind in my prayer life. Yet I know that this should be a time to get down on my knees and ask for guidance from Him. The Lord should be the one who directs my path. However, my pride still blocks the way to doing so.
As a result, I live life day by day, studying so not to fail, rather than studying to excel. Doing things so that I will look relevant, and not outdated. Those are the motives of my current life.
Well today, I have decided to analyse the reasons behind why I do things. The reason? Just to view myself in a different perspective. Simply put, I am in a rut in the moment. Apart from the necessary studying required to pass my final exam (though woefully inadequate at the moment), I have not had the drive to progress in other areas. Whether it be in fitness, social interaction or getting closer to God, I am just plagued with self-doubt and insecurity whenever I try to make progress, and my effort becomes half-hearted in the end.
Why is that so? Is it because I have placed myself in a comfort zone? Maybe that is the case. However, it was not too long ago and I went to do a marathon, participated in 2 musicals for my faculty, and participated in an acapella group. As I look back, I think to myself....why did I go and do those things?
It is then that I realise: I was looking for some recognition, some 'face' as Chinese would like to call it. I did not wish to be ordinary, so I did those things, that people would remember me as someone hip, rather than just some run of the mill nerd from medicine. Turns out that explains why I am spontaneously answering questions, being the joker in the class, always seeming to be the 'smart' one when obviously I am not. I want to be the centre of attention, simply because I want people to look at me, and not fade into obscurity as a regular guy. That's probably why deep down I want a sexy, successful lady to be my girlfriend and wife, rather than the normal, sweet looking girl next door. It is all about face.
But is that the right purpose to do things? I know it is not, however, it is difficult to put in down, and tell myself that there is more to life than just face. My spirit wants it, but my mind and heart reject it. Time and again I tell myself that I should find a true purpose, one that will align everything together and unleash my true potential, but every day passes and no progress is made. It is truly a source of frustration. Shouldn't be my purpose be to love God, and serve Him only? I know that with my mind, but not with my heart.
I know that I am not one who prays fervently and wholeheartedly. In fact, I pretty much don't pray a lot at all. Compared to the devout people in my church, I am miles behind in my prayer life. Yet I know that this should be a time to get down on my knees and ask for guidance from Him. The Lord should be the one who directs my path. However, my pride still blocks the way to doing so.
As a result, I live life day by day, studying so not to fail, rather than studying to excel. Doing things so that I will look relevant, and not outdated. Those are the motives of my current life.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Fears of making the right choice.
Once again I am posting...wow seems like I am developing a pattern here...
Today I had to make an important decision, a decision which could have implications on my future career.
I have had this long standing mental issue, which I have wrestled with since I was 12. For many years, I thought I could handle it on my own. Year after year I tried to fight the problem with my own means, thinking it was just part of growing up, and it would eventually disappear on its own. However, rather than going away, the problem just got worse. Slowly it eroded into my psyche, into my self confidence. Outwardly I was normal, but inwardly I felt embarrassed, even frightened. I thought I was going mad. I thought there was another person inside me, driving me to imagine things that I was disgusted with. It was only when I actually turned 21 that I realised that the problem was never going to go away, and I needed help. However, it was only till last year that I mustered the courage to go and see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist gave me the insight into my problem that I had been searching for, and reassured me that I would be able to overcome it. Even though I still struggle with the problem, I know that I have made progress. I know that it is through God alone that I will be free.
I still fear though, that this problem may still linger on. I still fear the fact that I will have to tell some people about this issue, people whom I don't even know. My employment form has stated that I reveal whether I have seen a shrink in the past, and asks for details as well. I have decided to tell the truth, and will ask the psychiatrist to provide me with a referral. However, the question still remains...how many people need to know?
The Bible itself says that what one sows, one shall reap. I know that my decision to tell the truth is the right one, for I would rather be labelled as a weird person, rather than as a weirdo and a liar. Even so, I can't control the consequences, and I will just have to trust God on this one.
Today I had to make an important decision, a decision which could have implications on my future career.
I have had this long standing mental issue, which I have wrestled with since I was 12. For many years, I thought I could handle it on my own. Year after year I tried to fight the problem with my own means, thinking it was just part of growing up, and it would eventually disappear on its own. However, rather than going away, the problem just got worse. Slowly it eroded into my psyche, into my self confidence. Outwardly I was normal, but inwardly I felt embarrassed, even frightened. I thought I was going mad. I thought there was another person inside me, driving me to imagine things that I was disgusted with. It was only when I actually turned 21 that I realised that the problem was never going to go away, and I needed help. However, it was only till last year that I mustered the courage to go and see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist gave me the insight into my problem that I had been searching for, and reassured me that I would be able to overcome it. Even though I still struggle with the problem, I know that I have made progress. I know that it is through God alone that I will be free.
I still fear though, that this problem may still linger on. I still fear the fact that I will have to tell some people about this issue, people whom I don't even know. My employment form has stated that I reveal whether I have seen a shrink in the past, and asks for details as well. I have decided to tell the truth, and will ask the psychiatrist to provide me with a referral. However, the question still remains...how many people need to know?
The Bible itself says that what one sows, one shall reap. I know that my decision to tell the truth is the right one, for I would rather be labelled as a weird person, rather than as a weirdo and a liar. Even so, I can't control the consequences, and I will just have to trust God on this one.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Blogging Again....on the brink of transition
Guess I am blogging again after such a long hiatus. Many things have happened since my last post, the most important being the fact that I accepted Jesus Christ into my life once again. In essence, I have come full circle, I accepted Christ, ran away from Him, and have come back to Him again.
In truth, there is still much to learn about life, and I come to this realisation at a time where my life is at a crossroads. Within a few months, I will take my final MBBS, which represents the final exam of my life as a full fledged student. Should I pass, the working world beckons, a world that I am not sure I am truly ready for. Truly, the fears have always crossed my mind: Will I be a good enough doctor for my patients to trust me with their lives? These doubts will probably always linger in some corner of my mind, however I have come to realise that it only through experiencing this fear and still give full committment will I truly be able to overcome them. Of course, this is not through my strength, but that of the Lord's.
I am still looking for my true purpose in my life, the purpose of which God has given me. There have been many false dawns, many disappointments, many wrong turns, yet I still press on in looking. It is a process that I constantly wish to undertake, even if society's appeal to go with the flow is enticing. This is because I know deep down that one can only find true happiness if he is doing the things which are intertwined with his purpose. This was what I was created for, and hence I strive to find it.
May God give me direction and faith to find this purpose.
In truth, there is still much to learn about life, and I come to this realisation at a time where my life is at a crossroads. Within a few months, I will take my final MBBS, which represents the final exam of my life as a full fledged student. Should I pass, the working world beckons, a world that I am not sure I am truly ready for. Truly, the fears have always crossed my mind: Will I be a good enough doctor for my patients to trust me with their lives? These doubts will probably always linger in some corner of my mind, however I have come to realise that it only through experiencing this fear and still give full committment will I truly be able to overcome them. Of course, this is not through my strength, but that of the Lord's.
I am still looking for my true purpose in my life, the purpose of which God has given me. There have been many false dawns, many disappointments, many wrong turns, yet I still press on in looking. It is a process that I constantly wish to undertake, even if society's appeal to go with the flow is enticing. This is because I know deep down that one can only find true happiness if he is doing the things which are intertwined with his purpose. This was what I was created for, and hence I strive to find it.
May God give me direction and faith to find this purpose.
Monday, July 16, 2007
I'm back!
Glad to be writing again after so long...just started 4 year with a round of short postings...which I really think I should be serious about though everyone says they are the fun and relaxing times. As a matter of fact, I share their sentiments exactly. I mean, who wants the holidays to end so soon? At the moment, I am just taking time to catch up with some old army friends and schoolmates (which is convenient for them given that they are still having holidays). But of course, there are more important projects to be undertaken
4th year is electives year, and I am already preparing an application to go to UCLA. Though I cannot guarantee a successful application, I believe it is well worth the trouble to attempt to gain entry. I am confident of a successful attempt, and should things happen otherwise, I have alternative plans in mind as well, so I am not unduly worried. Other things in store are the AHM and Standard Chartered Marathon, which I hope to attempt this year. Though preparations so far are not exactly going to plan, I am still confident of a fruitful experience in both events.
Most importantly, I have decided that it is time to define my purpose in life, and to align myself to it. For so long, I have been just going with the flow, doing what everyone else is doing without understanding what it all meant to me. That has been the reason why I have felt that life was monotonous and drab. From now on, I strive to figure out my purpose, and pursue goals aligned to this purpose. This will create the colour I so desire in my life.
4th year is electives year, and I am already preparing an application to go to UCLA. Though I cannot guarantee a successful application, I believe it is well worth the trouble to attempt to gain entry. I am confident of a successful attempt, and should things happen otherwise, I have alternative plans in mind as well, so I am not unduly worried. Other things in store are the AHM and Standard Chartered Marathon, which I hope to attempt this year. Though preparations so far are not exactly going to plan, I am still confident of a fruitful experience in both events.
Most importantly, I have decided that it is time to define my purpose in life, and to align myself to it. For so long, I have been just going with the flow, doing what everyone else is doing without understanding what it all meant to me. That has been the reason why I have felt that life was monotonous and drab. From now on, I strive to figure out my purpose, and pursue goals aligned to this purpose. This will create the colour I so desire in my life.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
End of the year....
Well, it has been a long time since I last posted isn't it? Many things have happened since then, triumphs and disappointments both included. I am now at the tail end of 2006, and I must say that I feel unfulfilled as to what I have achieved this year. It started off with so many aspirations, however many of these aspirations still remain just that, dreams without reality.
Compared to previous years, I seem to have lost a bit of the drive that kept me going in my first 2 years. I don't know why...it seems as though the fire that burnt so strongly at the start is beginning to wane due to lack of fuel. Probably it was all the studying I did in the first part of the year, or probably it was due to clinical postings, which I felt drained me quite a bit. Whatever it was, it affected my enthusiasm and my energy levels, and hence I found myself losing the motivation and focus to learn more, which I believe cost me in my end of posting test which I ended up failing. I also stopped going to Muay Thai in that period, and now I am stuck with a paunch which I detest but seem unable to find the energy to something about...or so I lead myself to believe.
I can honestly say that I have reached a low point in my life that needs some reinvention and an infusion of new energy. Somehow, my brain seems to know the answer...plan out how to improve your life, and the improvements will come...but somehow I lack the motivation to do that. I look at what others can achieve and know that I can match those achievements, however I need that spark, that motivation, and that impetus in order to do so, and I am still trying to find it.
The funny thing is that people actually look up to me for inspiration, even at this point in time others are still giving me compliments for what I do. Is this where my spark should come from? Honestly, I do not know.
Anyway, now the priority will be to tie up loose ends and plan for the new year, which should promise new challenges ahead. After that, we'll see.
Compared to previous years, I seem to have lost a bit of the drive that kept me going in my first 2 years. I don't know why...it seems as though the fire that burnt so strongly at the start is beginning to wane due to lack of fuel. Probably it was all the studying I did in the first part of the year, or probably it was due to clinical postings, which I felt drained me quite a bit. Whatever it was, it affected my enthusiasm and my energy levels, and hence I found myself losing the motivation and focus to learn more, which I believe cost me in my end of posting test which I ended up failing. I also stopped going to Muay Thai in that period, and now I am stuck with a paunch which I detest but seem unable to find the energy to something about...or so I lead myself to believe.
I can honestly say that I have reached a low point in my life that needs some reinvention and an infusion of new energy. Somehow, my brain seems to know the answer...plan out how to improve your life, and the improvements will come...but somehow I lack the motivation to do that. I look at what others can achieve and know that I can match those achievements, however I need that spark, that motivation, and that impetus in order to do so, and I am still trying to find it.
The funny thing is that people actually look up to me for inspiration, even at this point in time others are still giving me compliments for what I do. Is this where my spark should come from? Honestly, I do not know.
Anyway, now the priority will be to tie up loose ends and plan for the new year, which should promise new challenges ahead. After that, we'll see.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Its all in the mind...
Heh, its been a while since I last posted. Many things have happened since my last post. I have finished my surgery posting and am now into my medicine posting at Alexandra hospital. Along the way, I have learned many things, both by observation and practice(more by observation though, lol). I also learned a lot of truths about myself and my clinical group mates. Sometimes things are just not what they seem....
I have realised that in a lot of situations, I am always affected by the events happening around me. While that means I am aware of my surroundings, more often than not it has created a sense of apprehension and indecisiveness in me. For instance when I wanted to speak to certain patients, their gaze or tone often affected my final decision, and thus resulted in me not taking that crucial step forward. I often found myself seeking approval from others in decisions, and felt that others opinions weighed more heavily than mine.
Maybe I should trust my gut feel more... sometimes it is important to have faith in yourself that the decision you make is the right one no matter what the opinions of others are. Be it to present a case, to talk to someone, or to arrange an event, I should learn to trust my instincts more. Its all in the mind, after all.
I have realised that in a lot of situations, I am always affected by the events happening around me. While that means I am aware of my surroundings, more often than not it has created a sense of apprehension and indecisiveness in me. For instance when I wanted to speak to certain patients, their gaze or tone often affected my final decision, and thus resulted in me not taking that crucial step forward. I often found myself seeking approval from others in decisions, and felt that others opinions weighed more heavily than mine.
Maybe I should trust my gut feel more... sometimes it is important to have faith in yourself that the decision you make is the right one no matter what the opinions of others are. Be it to present a case, to talk to someone, or to arrange an event, I should learn to trust my instincts more. Its all in the mind, after all.
Monday, January 16, 2006
2006 has come!
Haha a new year has come at last...and with it starts a fresh chapter in my life...Ok...maybe not that fresh...It is still the same old exams, same old library and same old faculty...but still, there are still new things to anticipate and look forward to. For instance, Chinese New Year, the time to get an extra more bucks of undeserved income, and many more days of fun to come(ok, now I am becoming to sound a bit overly optimistic)
Looking back at the previous year, I realised that I have gone through quite a lot of new experiences, some good, some bad, but all with each individual life lesson for me. I have learnt that it could be a good thing to let go of certain things, and take up fresh challenges which I wouldn't have previously. Overall, I think I have emerged a more mature person out of all of I have been through.
But there is always room for improvement, and I surely hope that I can learn more things this upcoming year. For instance, my clinicals are coming, and it is with great anticipation that I await that moment,since I have always believed that practical skills were my Achilles heel, yet I am still excited over the opportunity to put what I have learnt into practice and take my first BIG steps to being a fully fledged doctor. Also, I hope to make more friends this year, given the fact that I have realised that my circle of friends could do with a bit more expanding, and knowing more people is always a good thing, not a bad one.Finally, I have set myself some physical goals...such as wanting to run in the Standard Chartered Marathon...something which I have never ever contemplated before..It sure is a good target to aim for
One only lives once, so one should treasure every moment he gets to enjoy life...hopefully I can make this mantra more evident this year and not sound so despondent as I have been in previous posts
Looking back at the previous year, I realised that I have gone through quite a lot of new experiences, some good, some bad, but all with each individual life lesson for me. I have learnt that it could be a good thing to let go of certain things, and take up fresh challenges which I wouldn't have previously. Overall, I think I have emerged a more mature person out of all of I have been through.
But there is always room for improvement, and I surely hope that I can learn more things this upcoming year. For instance, my clinicals are coming, and it is with great anticipation that I await that moment,since I have always believed that practical skills were my Achilles heel, yet I am still excited over the opportunity to put what I have learnt into practice and take my first BIG steps to being a fully fledged doctor. Also, I hope to make more friends this year, given the fact that I have realised that my circle of friends could do with a bit more expanding, and knowing more people is always a good thing, not a bad one.Finally, I have set myself some physical goals...such as wanting to run in the Standard Chartered Marathon...something which I have never ever contemplated before..It sure is a good target to aim for
One only lives once, so one should treasure every moment he gets to enjoy life...hopefully I can make this mantra more evident this year and not sound so despondent as I have been in previous posts
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