Locked in my heart

Well its time for blogging again. Its that time of the year again where i contemplate the current state of my life. One thing that has always bothered me has been my singlehood so far. Yes, I have never had a girlfriend in my life, and from the looks of things, it seems that I won't have one for a long while.

Why is that so? Is it looks? Probably not, for i look pretty average. In fact, I would say that i would be above average if i dressed up properly. Is it income? My profession is pretty respectable. Not very profitable at the moment though, but respectable none the less. Is it my character? Tough question, that one. I would definitely say that I have flaws, however who doesn't? Besides I have my strengths too.

If I had a inherent flaw that is responsible, its probably that I am too comfortable being where I am right now. Too many times I had chances to know people better, only to see them drift apart from me because I did not keep in touch. I prefer to keep people at arms length, probably because I am scared of them seeing parts of the real me. They are actually dark secrets about me that I do not wish to reveal unless forced to, for they represent a part of me that scares me to my core. So many people have i fancied, only to see opportunities gone and doors closed to me.

Even now there are people that i like at this present moment, however i feel so powerless. I feel that circumstances are against me, that for some reason I will never find love, that I will never find happiness. Its a painful paradox really. I keep people apart, yet I want them to be closer to me. Its a paradox that I have gotten so used to, that I can't shake myself out of it.

I have aimed to get married by 30, but even that goal seems so far away. It seems so out of reach as to be inconceivable. Maybe a miracle will happen, but I doubt it. Unlocking my inner self, and getting into my private domain, is a tall task for anybody. I have more or less resigned to the reality of this life.

For now, I will just live on with my emotions locked in my heart.