Here I am again with my next entry. This week has been a week of busy studying, and every day has seen me cram tons of information into my head, in an attempt to know as much as possible by the time examinations start. An impossible task, to say the least. But well, guess I will just keep on trying.
In the midst of it all, I decided to check out the NATAS Fair with my friends, as we were planning a location for our long-awaited grad trip. After running through a few choices, it came down to Turkey, Japan, and Europe. Personally, I wanted an exotic location, as I wanted my grad trip to have significance. My friends, however, wanted a cheaper option as they wanted to save cash. When it looked as though I was not going to get what I wanted, I sulked. That's right, I sulked.
Turns out that I am a pretty petty person after all. I was later chided by my friends a bit, and rightly so. Actually, all the options provided were okay, but just because it wasn't my choice, I felt obliged to sulk. As my friend pointed out, I placed so much importance on getting my way that I had lost my sense of reason to some extent. And looking back, I realise that this is a flaw of mine I need to correct. My pride should not be the focus of all my actions, as this does not honour God. By placing my pride in front of everything else, I blinded myself to options and opinions which were better than my own.
I thank God for revealing these flaws to me, and hence ask Him to take them away. By His will, I know that it will be done.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
End of the road
Today was the last day of being in the wards. Having already gone on a tour of most of the hospitals in Singapore....I was tired and burnt out to say the least. Nevertheless, there were interesting things to see on the final day. One was a case I had never seen before in my life, and I was pleasantly surprised to get the diagnosis right. Credit doesn't go to me though, it goes to God.
After today, I am barred from the wards, and that means the next time I step into a hospital, it is the real deal. In all honesty, I am scared that I will be unprepared when the time comes, yet I know that God is with me throughout this journey. Where it ends I do not know, but He is with me. And I think to myself, that is all I need.
It was also pleasing to get a few things sorted out. Namely my Remedial training, which I will be doing in June instead, and my job application, of which I have obtained my memo from my psychiatrist, who didn't even charge me a single cent as well (I guess doctors really look after their kind). Of course, there is still the issue of my deferment to settle, which I will finish my some degree this weekend, and my grad trip...of which I have been waiting for the travel fair for sometime now. However, in general, all is well, and I thank God for that.
It will be, in most probability, the last 2 weeks of my student life at this point. It is going to be a last charge to the finish, and well, there is no telling how it will all end. Everyone just wants this test to be over and done with. I am no exception as well.
After today, I am barred from the wards, and that means the next time I step into a hospital, it is the real deal. In all honesty, I am scared that I will be unprepared when the time comes, yet I know that God is with me throughout this journey. Where it ends I do not know, but He is with me. And I think to myself, that is all I need.
It was also pleasing to get a few things sorted out. Namely my Remedial training, which I will be doing in June instead, and my job application, of which I have obtained my memo from my psychiatrist, who didn't even charge me a single cent as well (I guess doctors really look after their kind). Of course, there is still the issue of my deferment to settle, which I will finish my some degree this weekend, and my grad trip...of which I have been waiting for the travel fair for sometime now. However, in general, all is well, and I thank God for that.
It will be, in most probability, the last 2 weeks of my student life at this point. It is going to be a last charge to the finish, and well, there is no telling how it will all end. Everyone just wants this test to be over and done with. I am no exception as well.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Facing the trials ahead with Hope
Hey, I am back again. Currently I am in the thick of studying for my final exam, my last ever paper as a full time student.
Besides that, I have a few wrangles to settle...bi.both regarding my national service. The first regards by remedial training, which I was supposed to do soon, but couldn't find a slot as they were all booked. The second concerns my deferment, which I am still trying to find a reason for.
In all honesty, both issues could have been settled by now. But as the procrastinator that I am, I have let both of them drag until this point. Whatever has happened, I now have to entangle myself out of this mess, and I pray that the Lord will be with me as I do so, so that I can find an outcome pleasing to Him.
Regardless, I will be taking my final exam soon. For better or for worse, the exam is upon me, and I have to face it. I know that I am stepping into the unknown, and I can only hope for the best possible outcome. However, I know that the Lord is with me, and through Him all things are possible. Whatever the outcome, I know that He will never leave me to despair. Hence, I can look forward to the exam with hope, and not fear.
Regarding my addictions, suffice to say that the cravings will probably get stronger as the days wear on. I know this, for I have tread on this road many times before. However, this time I place my trust in Him to lead me out of this, and I will strive to listen to His voice in my head, above all the others.
Besides that, I have a few wrangles to settle...bi.both regarding my national service. The first regards by remedial training, which I was supposed to do soon, but couldn't find a slot as they were all booked. The second concerns my deferment, which I am still trying to find a reason for.
In all honesty, both issues could have been settled by now. But as the procrastinator that I am, I have let both of them drag until this point. Whatever has happened, I now have to entangle myself out of this mess, and I pray that the Lord will be with me as I do so, so that I can find an outcome pleasing to Him.
Regardless, I will be taking my final exam soon. For better or for worse, the exam is upon me, and I have to face it. I know that I am stepping into the unknown, and I can only hope for the best possible outcome. However, I know that the Lord is with me, and through Him all things are possible. Whatever the outcome, I know that He will never leave me to despair. Hence, I can look forward to the exam with hope, and not fear.
Regarding my addictions, suffice to say that the cravings will probably get stronger as the days wear on. I know this, for I have tread on this road many times before. However, this time I place my trust in Him to lead me out of this, and I will strive to listen to His voice in my head, above all the others.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Beautiful Day
Well, I am a bit short of time I suppose, so I will keep this post short
It was a fruitful day today, honestly. I managed to have a good workout at the gym, and I made good progress in my studies, especially in 2 areas which have been largely untouched in my preparations so far. It seemed that the workout helped as well...I was more alert and understood facts at a faster rate.
I also came to a realisation about how lucky was I to have God in my life. In the midst of my chaotic thoughts, fears and worries, it is really reassuring to know that as long as I keep my focus on Him, there will always be a way out. I can't really explain it, but it is true. Especially for such an emotional person like me, whose mood seems to swing like the tides, it is refreshing to know that so long as I am mindful that God is everywhere, and that He sees all, I have no one to fear but Him.
In the light of recent events in my church, I feel tempted to find a way out and leave. But I know that He has led me into this place for a reason, and hence I believe that there will be a way out. I know there will.
Its a beautiful day!
It was a fruitful day today, honestly. I managed to have a good workout at the gym, and I made good progress in my studies, especially in 2 areas which have been largely untouched in my preparations so far. It seemed that the workout helped as well...I was more alert and understood facts at a faster rate.
I also came to a realisation about how lucky was I to have God in my life. In the midst of my chaotic thoughts, fears and worries, it is really reassuring to know that as long as I keep my focus on Him, there will always be a way out. I can't really explain it, but it is true. Especially for such an emotional person like me, whose mood seems to swing like the tides, it is refreshing to know that so long as I am mindful that God is everywhere, and that He sees all, I have no one to fear but Him.
In the light of recent events in my church, I feel tempted to find a way out and leave. But I know that He has led me into this place for a reason, and hence I believe that there will be a way out. I know there will.
Its a beautiful day!
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Motives
Here I am again with my next post. This blog has been an excellent outlet for me to reveal my fears, hopes and dreams. With it, I am able to piece together my thoughts, and organise my mind.
Well today, I have decided to analyse the reasons behind why I do things. The reason? Just to view myself in a different perspective. Simply put, I am in a rut in the moment. Apart from the necessary studying required to pass my final exam (though woefully inadequate at the moment), I have not had the drive to progress in other areas. Whether it be in fitness, social interaction or getting closer to God, I am just plagued with self-doubt and insecurity whenever I try to make progress, and my effort becomes half-hearted in the end.
Why is that so? Is it because I have placed myself in a comfort zone? Maybe that is the case. However, it was not too long ago and I went to do a marathon, participated in 2 musicals for my faculty, and participated in an acapella group. As I look back, I think to myself....why did I go and do those things?
It is then that I realise: I was looking for some recognition, some 'face' as Chinese would like to call it. I did not wish to be ordinary, so I did those things, that people would remember me as someone hip, rather than just some run of the mill nerd from medicine. Turns out that explains why I am spontaneously answering questions, being the joker in the class, always seeming to be the 'smart' one when obviously I am not. I want to be the centre of attention, simply because I want people to look at me, and not fade into obscurity as a regular guy. That's probably why deep down I want a sexy, successful lady to be my girlfriend and wife, rather than the normal, sweet looking girl next door. It is all about face.
But is that the right purpose to do things? I know it is not, however, it is difficult to put in down, and tell myself that there is more to life than just face. My spirit wants it, but my mind and heart reject it. Time and again I tell myself that I should find a true purpose, one that will align everything together and unleash my true potential, but every day passes and no progress is made. It is truly a source of frustration. Shouldn't be my purpose be to love God, and serve Him only? I know that with my mind, but not with my heart.
I know that I am not one who prays fervently and wholeheartedly. In fact, I pretty much don't pray a lot at all. Compared to the devout people in my church, I am miles behind in my prayer life. Yet I know that this should be a time to get down on my knees and ask for guidance from Him. The Lord should be the one who directs my path. However, my pride still blocks the way to doing so.
As a result, I live life day by day, studying so not to fail, rather than studying to excel. Doing things so that I will look relevant, and not outdated. Those are the motives of my current life.
Well today, I have decided to analyse the reasons behind why I do things. The reason? Just to view myself in a different perspective. Simply put, I am in a rut in the moment. Apart from the necessary studying required to pass my final exam (though woefully inadequate at the moment), I have not had the drive to progress in other areas. Whether it be in fitness, social interaction or getting closer to God, I am just plagued with self-doubt and insecurity whenever I try to make progress, and my effort becomes half-hearted in the end.
Why is that so? Is it because I have placed myself in a comfort zone? Maybe that is the case. However, it was not too long ago and I went to do a marathon, participated in 2 musicals for my faculty, and participated in an acapella group. As I look back, I think to myself....why did I go and do those things?
It is then that I realise: I was looking for some recognition, some 'face' as Chinese would like to call it. I did not wish to be ordinary, so I did those things, that people would remember me as someone hip, rather than just some run of the mill nerd from medicine. Turns out that explains why I am spontaneously answering questions, being the joker in the class, always seeming to be the 'smart' one when obviously I am not. I want to be the centre of attention, simply because I want people to look at me, and not fade into obscurity as a regular guy. That's probably why deep down I want a sexy, successful lady to be my girlfriend and wife, rather than the normal, sweet looking girl next door. It is all about face.
But is that the right purpose to do things? I know it is not, however, it is difficult to put in down, and tell myself that there is more to life than just face. My spirit wants it, but my mind and heart reject it. Time and again I tell myself that I should find a true purpose, one that will align everything together and unleash my true potential, but every day passes and no progress is made. It is truly a source of frustration. Shouldn't be my purpose be to love God, and serve Him only? I know that with my mind, but not with my heart.
I know that I am not one who prays fervently and wholeheartedly. In fact, I pretty much don't pray a lot at all. Compared to the devout people in my church, I am miles behind in my prayer life. Yet I know that this should be a time to get down on my knees and ask for guidance from Him. The Lord should be the one who directs my path. However, my pride still blocks the way to doing so.
As a result, I live life day by day, studying so not to fail, rather than studying to excel. Doing things so that I will look relevant, and not outdated. Those are the motives of my current life.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Fears of making the right choice.
Once again I am posting...wow seems like I am developing a pattern here...
Today I had to make an important decision, a decision which could have implications on my future career.
I have had this long standing mental issue, which I have wrestled with since I was 12. For many years, I thought I could handle it on my own. Year after year I tried to fight the problem with my own means, thinking it was just part of growing up, and it would eventually disappear on its own. However, rather than going away, the problem just got worse. Slowly it eroded into my psyche, into my self confidence. Outwardly I was normal, but inwardly I felt embarrassed, even frightened. I thought I was going mad. I thought there was another person inside me, driving me to imagine things that I was disgusted with. It was only when I actually turned 21 that I realised that the problem was never going to go away, and I needed help. However, it was only till last year that I mustered the courage to go and see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist gave me the insight into my problem that I had been searching for, and reassured me that I would be able to overcome it. Even though I still struggle with the problem, I know that I have made progress. I know that it is through God alone that I will be free.
I still fear though, that this problem may still linger on. I still fear the fact that I will have to tell some people about this issue, people whom I don't even know. My employment form has stated that I reveal whether I have seen a shrink in the past, and asks for details as well. I have decided to tell the truth, and will ask the psychiatrist to provide me with a referral. However, the question still remains...how many people need to know?
The Bible itself says that what one sows, one shall reap. I know that my decision to tell the truth is the right one, for I would rather be labelled as a weird person, rather than as a weirdo and a liar. Even so, I can't control the consequences, and I will just have to trust God on this one.
Today I had to make an important decision, a decision which could have implications on my future career.
I have had this long standing mental issue, which I have wrestled with since I was 12. For many years, I thought I could handle it on my own. Year after year I tried to fight the problem with my own means, thinking it was just part of growing up, and it would eventually disappear on its own. However, rather than going away, the problem just got worse. Slowly it eroded into my psyche, into my self confidence. Outwardly I was normal, but inwardly I felt embarrassed, even frightened. I thought I was going mad. I thought there was another person inside me, driving me to imagine things that I was disgusted with. It was only when I actually turned 21 that I realised that the problem was never going to go away, and I needed help. However, it was only till last year that I mustered the courage to go and see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist gave me the insight into my problem that I had been searching for, and reassured me that I would be able to overcome it. Even though I still struggle with the problem, I know that I have made progress. I know that it is through God alone that I will be free.
I still fear though, that this problem may still linger on. I still fear the fact that I will have to tell some people about this issue, people whom I don't even know. My employment form has stated that I reveal whether I have seen a shrink in the past, and asks for details as well. I have decided to tell the truth, and will ask the psychiatrist to provide me with a referral. However, the question still remains...how many people need to know?
The Bible itself says that what one sows, one shall reap. I know that my decision to tell the truth is the right one, for I would rather be labelled as a weird person, rather than as a weirdo and a liar. Even so, I can't control the consequences, and I will just have to trust God on this one.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Blogging Again....on the brink of transition
Guess I am blogging again after such a long hiatus. Many things have happened since my last post, the most important being the fact that I accepted Jesus Christ into my life once again. In essence, I have come full circle, I accepted Christ, ran away from Him, and have come back to Him again.
In truth, there is still much to learn about life, and I come to this realisation at a time where my life is at a crossroads. Within a few months, I will take my final MBBS, which represents the final exam of my life as a full fledged student. Should I pass, the working world beckons, a world that I am not sure I am truly ready for. Truly, the fears have always crossed my mind: Will I be a good enough doctor for my patients to trust me with their lives? These doubts will probably always linger in some corner of my mind, however I have come to realise that it only through experiencing this fear and still give full committment will I truly be able to overcome them. Of course, this is not through my strength, but that of the Lord's.
I am still looking for my true purpose in my life, the purpose of which God has given me. There have been many false dawns, many disappointments, many wrong turns, yet I still press on in looking. It is a process that I constantly wish to undertake, even if society's appeal to go with the flow is enticing. This is because I know deep down that one can only find true happiness if he is doing the things which are intertwined with his purpose. This was what I was created for, and hence I strive to find it.
May God give me direction and faith to find this purpose.
In truth, there is still much to learn about life, and I come to this realisation at a time where my life is at a crossroads. Within a few months, I will take my final MBBS, which represents the final exam of my life as a full fledged student. Should I pass, the working world beckons, a world that I am not sure I am truly ready for. Truly, the fears have always crossed my mind: Will I be a good enough doctor for my patients to trust me with their lives? These doubts will probably always linger in some corner of my mind, however I have come to realise that it only through experiencing this fear and still give full committment will I truly be able to overcome them. Of course, this is not through my strength, but that of the Lord's.
I am still looking for my true purpose in my life, the purpose of which God has given me. There have been many false dawns, many disappointments, many wrong turns, yet I still press on in looking. It is a process that I constantly wish to undertake, even if society's appeal to go with the flow is enticing. This is because I know deep down that one can only find true happiness if he is doing the things which are intertwined with his purpose. This was what I was created for, and hence I strive to find it.
May God give me direction and faith to find this purpose.
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