I finally realised some new truths over the past few weeks, and I have finally been enlightened. I have wasted a whole chunk of my life in university over some things that just weren't meant to happen. I mean, some things were impossible from the start. In the process, I have lost valuable time with which I could have used to enrich myself. Hence, from this moment on I have to just be my own man with my own path. Screw the rules and live life the way you want to live it.
And that path, as I see it, is to focus on my studies and get the desired results, rather than just pursue things such as religion and women. Such things are not relevant to me at present. As far am I am concerned, they have brought nothing but conflict and a miserable existence. I mean, I should just do things at my own pace and my own time. For a start, I made a mistake but upsetting the balance of my life by actually pursuing a religion just for the sake of others. How stupid is that?
Therefore from this day forth I focus on my own goals, which are basically my exams, my driving and the toning of my flabby physique (something which should have been done ages ago) Call me selfish, but sometimes one must put oneself over others.
For ultimate victory, one must make sacrifices. It is about time I made mine.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
3rd week into term...and I finally touch my books
The title is self explanatory isn't it? Goes to show how long I have taken to readjust to the boring, mundane nature of my school life. Only today did I actually put some serious hours into my revision for the forthcoming CA. I guess I am probably luckier than most people due to the fact that my memory is somewhat of an asset when it comes to studying, but that should not be an excuse for slacking and not studying when it matters.
I just feel a sense of emptiness at the moment. I can't put my finger on it, but I just feel quite lonely inside. Is it because I have no friends? That is certainly not the case. Is it the lack of someone special? Probably, but I should have gotten over that by now. Or maybe I haven't. I just can't figure out why some people are so contented with what they have, whereas people like me are never satisfied. I guess it is just my nature. I really want to break out of this cycle of regret but I can't find the strength to do so. Sometimes I really wish for divine intervention in this matter.
As the saying goes, "The grass is always greener on the other side". That certainly applies to me a great deal.
I just feel a sense of emptiness at the moment. I can't put my finger on it, but I just feel quite lonely inside. Is it because I have no friends? That is certainly not the case. Is it the lack of someone special? Probably, but I should have gotten over that by now. Or maybe I haven't. I just can't figure out why some people are so contented with what they have, whereas people like me are never satisfied. I guess it is just my nature. I really want to break out of this cycle of regret but I can't find the strength to do so. Sometimes I really wish for divine intervention in this matter.
As the saying goes, "The grass is always greener on the other side". That certainly applies to me a great deal.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
School has restarted!
This will be a short post i guess..
Yeah as the title suggests, the mundane cycle of uni life has begun again, and I am still quite confused and disoriented. Must be the 'holiday syndrome' I think. Right now my anatomy tutorials require me to do presentations...which are quite irritating and challenging for me. Oh well guess things still have to be done. I just have to drag my lifeless carcass to the computer to type out something meaningful...
Life sucks now but it should get better...but I must put in the effort, hate it as I may, to ensure that it DOES get better
Wish me Luck!
Yeah as the title suggests, the mundane cycle of uni life has begun again, and I am still quite confused and disoriented. Must be the 'holiday syndrome' I think. Right now my anatomy tutorials require me to do presentations...which are quite irritating and challenging for me. Oh well guess things still have to be done. I just have to drag my lifeless carcass to the computer to type out something meaningful...
Life sucks now but it should get better...but I must put in the effort, hate it as I may, to ensure that it DOES get better
Wish me Luck!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
I am 21...an adult now right?
Its been a long while since my last post...and during this time, many things have happened. Personally, I turned 21 and went to Cambdia, which was an experience I will never forget. I also made some decisions about my personal life in a way never attempted before. On the world, there was a natural disaster of such horrifying magnitude that it still seems surreal that it actually took place at all. My heart goes out to all these tsumani victims and I hope that God will deliver them from their suffering and alleviate their pain.
The Cambodia experience was really one I feel privileged and lucky to have been a part of. I got to see the world in a perspective never seen before. In Singapore, we worry about things like fashion, BGRs, grades in school, and other material stuff, but in Cambodia, what I saw were people whose concerns were on a much more basic and serious manner. Things such as water, electricity and food, which we Singaporeans take for granted. were not in abundance in this place and everything is precious to the people here. Basic survival is the name of the game in Cambodia, and looking at them struggle to survive, I felt that I should appreciate what I have so much more. Rather than just worry over trivial matters, I should instead try to do my part to help people who are less fortunate than I am. It take some time to change my current flippant lifestyle, but in order to become a more understanding person, this change is something that must be done. I pray to God to give me his guidance and guide my new path to serve His purpose for me.
Back in Singapore, I finally confessed to her that I had feelings for her....and her response was that we should just remain friends. However somehow, I wasn't as devastated as I thought I would have been. Maybe it was the fact that I expected this outcome, or maybe it was just a sign that I have grown up and have learnt to deal with rejection. Whatever the case, I felt somewhat relieved over my confessing in a way. It may not have progressed beyond friendship. but it did develop our friendship in a good way, as we were able to be more candid with each other. Somehow I believe I have gained more than I have lost, as I know her better now. She may not be that special someone now or maybe ever, but to me she will always have a special place in my heart as one of my true friends. I think I should also follow her lead and let God lead the way for finding that special someone rather than yearn for it so much and making myself miserable. Since everything is in His design, I will just let things take their course and serve Him as best as I can. Hence girls can wait, and studies and church should now be my top priority.
So ends my first column since turning 21...Happy New Year to all!
The Cambodia experience was really one I feel privileged and lucky to have been a part of. I got to see the world in a perspective never seen before. In Singapore, we worry about things like fashion, BGRs, grades in school, and other material stuff, but in Cambodia, what I saw were people whose concerns were on a much more basic and serious manner. Things such as water, electricity and food, which we Singaporeans take for granted. were not in abundance in this place and everything is precious to the people here. Basic survival is the name of the game in Cambodia, and looking at them struggle to survive, I felt that I should appreciate what I have so much more. Rather than just worry over trivial matters, I should instead try to do my part to help people who are less fortunate than I am. It take some time to change my current flippant lifestyle, but in order to become a more understanding person, this change is something that must be done. I pray to God to give me his guidance and guide my new path to serve His purpose for me.
Back in Singapore, I finally confessed to her that I had feelings for her....and her response was that we should just remain friends. However somehow, I wasn't as devastated as I thought I would have been. Maybe it was the fact that I expected this outcome, or maybe it was just a sign that I have grown up and have learnt to deal with rejection. Whatever the case, I felt somewhat relieved over my confessing in a way. It may not have progressed beyond friendship. but it did develop our friendship in a good way, as we were able to be more candid with each other. Somehow I believe I have gained more than I have lost, as I know her better now. She may not be that special someone now or maybe ever, but to me she will always have a special place in my heart as one of my true friends. I think I should also follow her lead and let God lead the way for finding that special someone rather than yearn for it so much and making myself miserable. Since everything is in His design, I will just let things take their course and serve Him as best as I can. Hence girls can wait, and studies and church should now be my top priority.
So ends my first column since turning 21...Happy New Year to all!
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Sighz
Hey the tests are over and life has resumed its normal, mundane and boring routine. I think I did okay for all my papers...but I think I could have done much better in physiology had I spent more time preparing for it....but that's life and I can only hope that I will do better next time. Now I am in the midst of preparing for my Cambodia trip...and the logistics have simply been mind boggling...I mean...the workload is pretty heavy. But I guess this is all for the greater good of the expedition.
Now that I have already well and truly began my life in NUS as a medicine student, old troubles have surfaced again that still trouble me. Somehow I still have the sense of self-doubt within me when it comes to doing things that I am not proficient yet or have never tried before. I have put in much effort to subdue this trait of mine, but it appears to haunt me time and again. Just like my driving license....somehow I cannot convince myself that I possess the ability to pass the driving test.
The other thing that bothers me that there is a girl I fancy but lack the courage to approach. I have known her for 4 years now, ever since we met in junior college. Despite the fact that she was in a different faculty from me, I managed to keep in touch with her throughout my jc and army life. Now, in university, I would really like to give myself a chance and tell her how I feel. But somehow the words just fail to come out from my mouth..and I really am not sure of what to do. For her, I have taken a risky step in my life in getting to accept Christianity, something which is really against my family beliefs. I really felt that I had made a rash and foolish decision since I had no immediate desire to accept Christ as my Personal Saviour, but somehow in her presence, I actually made such a choice. I admit that this was hypocritical of me, but I just could not help it at the time. Truly, I have greatly sinned. Honestly, as I got to know her church better , I fully started to realize how distant and withdrawn I was from Christianity. They say going to church constantly strengthens the relationship with God, but for me it made me feel more and more alien.....and I don't know why, but God does not seem to communicate with me at all. There just seems to be this barrier between us. Maybe I am not worthy of Him, that's why. I am inferior, for I am a sinner already for trying to reach him half heartedly for the sake of unrequited puppy infatuation. Hence I cannot hear what He says. I feel that I am really not destined to mix with such people, for they are so different, so commited to God in every conversation and talk about church life, whereas I stand in a state of limbo, not knowing where my religious allegiances lie, not knowing my own true faith.
I stepped out of my comfort zone for someone who probably only sees me as an elder brother at most, and I feel so stupid and foolish. Sometimes I get the false hope from her smses that she may actually have feelings for me, but all these evaporate into harsh realities when I see her in church or in school. I really want to give up and let this whole episode go, but somehow that sentimental, foolish side inside me tells me that I should still give myself a chance and tell her the truth. I really don't know what to do.....and sometimes I ask myself: Why am I so depressed when it comes to women? Why can't I be like other people who just treat their lady friends like normal friends and just take singlehood in their stride? Why can't I just live life a little happier knowing at least that we can still be friends instead of a relationship? I am really at a loss of what to do at this moment in time.
They say God can perform miracles. Well personally I believe in miracles, only that miracles for me have never come from God. They have always come from the Goddess of Mercy, who has always helped me whenever I have prayed to her for aid. But to God, if you do truly exist and care about me, which I really hope you do, as you have promised those who ask you for aid, I am asking you to help me deal with this problem....I need your guidance to help me make the right decisions so that I can live in peace with myself, for right now I am running in circles with no end in sight. I admit that I am a sinner, one who has rejected you time and again, knowing my folly yet continuing to go down the path of sin. For that I know that forgiveness will be too much for me to ask, but still I implore you to just help me in my life just this once, so that I can recapture the optimism in my life that has been missing for so long. I entrust my life into your hands o Lord, and whatever happens will be your decision. In Jesus's name, Amen.
That's the end of a very long post. It is really the culmination of the main problem that I have refused to confront for so long. Hopefully it can end for me soon so that I can get on with my life and others with theirs as well.
Now that I have already well and truly began my life in NUS as a medicine student, old troubles have surfaced again that still trouble me. Somehow I still have the sense of self-doubt within me when it comes to doing things that I am not proficient yet or have never tried before. I have put in much effort to subdue this trait of mine, but it appears to haunt me time and again. Just like my driving license....somehow I cannot convince myself that I possess the ability to pass the driving test.
The other thing that bothers me that there is a girl I fancy but lack the courage to approach. I have known her for 4 years now, ever since we met in junior college. Despite the fact that she was in a different faculty from me, I managed to keep in touch with her throughout my jc and army life. Now, in university, I would really like to give myself a chance and tell her how I feel. But somehow the words just fail to come out from my mouth..and I really am not sure of what to do. For her, I have taken a risky step in my life in getting to accept Christianity, something which is really against my family beliefs. I really felt that I had made a rash and foolish decision since I had no immediate desire to accept Christ as my Personal Saviour, but somehow in her presence, I actually made such a choice. I admit that this was hypocritical of me, but I just could not help it at the time. Truly, I have greatly sinned. Honestly, as I got to know her church better , I fully started to realize how distant and withdrawn I was from Christianity. They say going to church constantly strengthens the relationship with God, but for me it made me feel more and more alien.....and I don't know why, but God does not seem to communicate with me at all. There just seems to be this barrier between us. Maybe I am not worthy of Him, that's why. I am inferior, for I am a sinner already for trying to reach him half heartedly for the sake of unrequited puppy infatuation. Hence I cannot hear what He says. I feel that I am really not destined to mix with such people, for they are so different, so commited to God in every conversation and talk about church life, whereas I stand in a state of limbo, not knowing where my religious allegiances lie, not knowing my own true faith.
I stepped out of my comfort zone for someone who probably only sees me as an elder brother at most, and I feel so stupid and foolish. Sometimes I get the false hope from her smses that she may actually have feelings for me, but all these evaporate into harsh realities when I see her in church or in school. I really want to give up and let this whole episode go, but somehow that sentimental, foolish side inside me tells me that I should still give myself a chance and tell her the truth. I really don't know what to do.....and sometimes I ask myself: Why am I so depressed when it comes to women? Why can't I be like other people who just treat their lady friends like normal friends and just take singlehood in their stride? Why can't I just live life a little happier knowing at least that we can still be friends instead of a relationship? I am really at a loss of what to do at this moment in time.
They say God can perform miracles. Well personally I believe in miracles, only that miracles for me have never come from God. They have always come from the Goddess of Mercy, who has always helped me whenever I have prayed to her for aid. But to God, if you do truly exist and care about me, which I really hope you do, as you have promised those who ask you for aid, I am asking you to help me deal with this problem....I need your guidance to help me make the right decisions so that I can live in peace with myself, for right now I am running in circles with no end in sight. I admit that I am a sinner, one who has rejected you time and again, knowing my folly yet continuing to go down the path of sin. For that I know that forgiveness will be too much for me to ask, but still I implore you to just help me in my life just this once, so that I can recapture the optimism in my life that has been missing for so long. I entrust my life into your hands o Lord, and whatever happens will be your decision. In Jesus's name, Amen.
That's the end of a very long post. It is really the culmination of the main problem that I have refused to confront for so long. Hopefully it can end for me soon so that I can get on with my life and others with theirs as well.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Sigh..
I failed my driving test again...pretty depressing isn't it? I was really pissed off with myself after the test as I felt that I could have done better...but oh well...life goes on and guess I have to wait for the next test next feburary. Sometimes I look at other people with driving licenses and I wonder why I haven't got mine, but now my thoughts are more straightened out...at least I have time on my side, and besides, I do not have a car on hand to drive, so maybe I do not really need the license for now.
Which brings me to the fact that I am pretty pessimistic about everything, from things as trivial as a driving license to things like having a grilfriend. I honestly have not been in a relationship before, but for some reason I cannot seem to stop comparing with others who are in one or have been in one. For some reason I feel as though I am missing something in my life. Whatever the case, worrying does not seem to do me any good whatsoever, and I really hope that I could just look at things from a more optimistic point of view...but oh well, life goes on and I have to look at things day by day.
Well I do have someone I fancy...but I rather not take the initiative now since my exams are approaching...hopefully in the near future...anyway for now books are more important !
Which brings me to the fact that I am pretty pessimistic about everything, from things as trivial as a driving license to things like having a grilfriend. I honestly have not been in a relationship before, but for some reason I cannot seem to stop comparing with others who are in one or have been in one. For some reason I feel as though I am missing something in my life. Whatever the case, worrying does not seem to do me any good whatsoever, and I really hope that I could just look at things from a more optimistic point of view...but oh well, life goes on and I have to look at things day by day.
Well I do have someone I fancy...but I rather not take the initiative now since my exams are approaching...hopefully in the near future...anyway for now books are more important !
Monday, November 01, 2004
FA,CA and Driving Test....why so many tests
Feeling pretty depressed over the week...my fa was particularly hard. Maybe I underestimated how hard it could be because I thought the scope covered was small, but I couldn't have been more wrong! Now I think I probably failed due to my overconfidence...damn...and now with the actual CA coming up, I am starting to fear for my grades...since the topics seem too much for me to cover within 1 month. What can one do against such adversity? Well looks like I have to take it 1 day at a time...
Tomorrow is my second shot at my driving test...seriously hope that I can make it this time...honestly I feel quite pressurised since after this test I may not get another chance to retake before next year, so a lot hangs on tomorrow's performance...Looks like I can only pray for the best...and achieve something unique in my family
Back to books and mugging then....
Tomorrow is my second shot at my driving test...seriously hope that I can make it this time...honestly I feel quite pressurised since after this test I may not get another chance to retake before next year, so a lot hangs on tomorrow's performance...Looks like I can only pray for the best...and achieve something unique in my family
Back to books and mugging then....
Monday, October 25, 2004
Oh yeah! Arsenal are beaten!
Yo...feeling groggy after watching last nite's match...but i saw history in the making so it was definitely worth it...arsenal's unbeaten run has ended..oh yeah..by none another than by their worst nemesis, man u! Okay so the referee was on man u's side but that does not matter....anyway who said life was fair? arsenal have had their own share of controversy...remember how they convinced the ref not to give a penalty against them in one match? So the way I see it, they got their just retribution....congrats to the red devils for ending their run and finally give the arsenal fans that sinking feeling of LOOOOOOSING!
Ole for the devils!
Now it is back to reality and studying for me...and there is a YEP outing to Ubin this Friday. Honestly my enthusiasm has dropped considerably since I feel I cannot integrate into the group. I do not know why...the group just seems a little..disjointed. Hopefully we can bond better after the Ubin trip but seriously I do not think so...maybe it is just my antisocial and pessimistic self at work again...i will see how things unfold during the trip...back to books for now though!
Ole for the devils!
Now it is back to reality and studying for me...and there is a YEP outing to Ubin this Friday. Honestly my enthusiasm has dropped considerably since I feel I cannot integrate into the group. I do not know why...the group just seems a little..disjointed. Hopefully we can bond better after the Ubin trip but seriously I do not think so...maybe it is just my antisocial and pessimistic self at work again...i will see how things unfold during the trip...back to books for now though!
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Yeah man tests are over! And then comes another one...
Yeah it is me again...today was the day of my biochemistry FA...finally i saw the difference of 2 weeks of study as compared to 2 days..there was a significant improvement in my score (or maybe the questions were just easier?) Anyway after the euphoria of this test there is the stark reality of having to do another paper...this time anatomy...wonder when this is all going to end? hmmm...
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Tests!
I have a biochemistry test this weekend...and my main CA is coming in 6 weeks time...dunno wat to do now...i think i am getting sick of studying as it is. Imagine the irony..I was dying to have a chance to study when I was in NS, and now i cannot take it anymore. Life here seems to be centralised around one purpose : studying! Imagine studying after lectures, after tutorials, after meals, after reaching home...studying knows no boundaries over here. Oh well, guess that is the price to pay for freedom...
Friday, October 15, 2004
Brand New Day, Brand New Start
Heyo everyone!
My name is Victor...quite a common name in the world these days, especially in my uni faculty...there are at least 5 people who share the same name as I do. This is my first blog, and I will really appreciate it if people give me pointers on how to go about making it look cool...cos i certainly could use some advice. Anyway, I am currently in my first year in the National University of Singapore(NUS) and I am studying medicine....the course right now is pretty okay, save for all the extra studying that comes after lectures...till now I still can pretty much cope. Anyway...that is it for my starting address...hopefully i can pen more of my thoughts as the days go by..Cheerio!
My name is Victor...quite a common name in the world these days, especially in my uni faculty...there are at least 5 people who share the same name as I do. This is my first blog, and I will really appreciate it if people give me pointers on how to go about making it look cool...cos i certainly could use some advice. Anyway, I am currently in my first year in the National University of Singapore(NUS) and I am studying medicine....the course right now is pretty okay, save for all the extra studying that comes after lectures...till now I still can pretty much cope. Anyway...that is it for my starting address...hopefully i can pen more of my thoughts as the days go by..Cheerio!
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